My favourite decks from the past year

Playing cards make the ideal gift, particularly the many beautiful custom decks available nowadays. Almost everyone can use a deck of cards at some point, so they have an instant and universal appeal, especially if a deck has some customized artwork and is packaged in an appealing tuck box.
In this list I want to focus on some of my favourite decks that have come out in the past year 2020. This year has been a challenging year for many of us in light of the coronavirus that has swept across the world. But in the middle of all this darkness, there have also been some bright spots, which include the brand new crop of custom decks that have appeared in the marketplace.
The suggestions I'm making are very much a matter of personal choice, and other playing card enthusiasts might make other choices. I haven't seen each and every deck that hit the market in the past year, and there are undoubtedly plenty of other worthy decks that qualify for a list like this. I've also not included any decks that have haven't yet been produced, even if they have been crowdfunded. This list strictly covers decks that you should be able to obtain from online retailers and resellers. I've also not included so-called "hype decks" that sell out almost immediately at the publisher level (e.g. Fontaines), but only those that enter retail channels and are more widely and readily available.
I've also included links to where you find them at PlayingCardDecks so that you can see images of the tuck boxes and cards for each item, and because they're the retailer I personally buy playing cards from the most. But you should be able to find these decks at most online retailers.

Popular Series

Several series of playing cards have become brands of their own, and achieved nearly cult status from collectors. This past year has seen some great additions to the line-ups from popular series that include big names like Jerry's Nuggets, Cherry Casino, and NOC.
● Jerry's Nugget Aqua Playing Cards - Jerry's Nuggets are a modern icon in the world of playing cards, due to the cult status of this deck, which was praised by cardists around the world. It was originally printed in the early 1970s, and was so much in demand in recent decades that copies fetched over $500 in the secondary market. A very successful reprinting of the original blue and red decks happened in 2019, and in the past year we've seen multiple reprints in different colours. Among my favourites in this series are the bright colours like orange, yellow, and green, which have all appeared in the past year. But there's also something for those who prefer a more muted look, such as steel and black. For more in this series, see Jerry's Nugget decks.
● Cherry Casino Tropicana Teal Playing Cards - The Cherry Casino decks capture a retro vibe, and are a throwback to the old fruit machines from gambling halls, with their distinctive cherry artwork. For me the real appeal of this series lies in the gorgeous card backs, which have a metallic sheen making them feel instantly different from all other decks. The face cards are all quite standard, so that makes them ideal for card games or card magic. Multiple new colours continue to appear in this series, such as Flamingo Quartz Pink, and most recently McCarran Silver. For more in this series, see Cherry Casino decks .
● NOC 3000X2 Purple Playing Cards - The acronym NOC originally stood for Nothing Only Colour, and in line with this the initial decks in this series were all very minimalist. Many people like to collect and use the NOC decks, and over time the series has evolved somewhat. The most recent releases show some new splashes of creativity, and with the NOC 3000X2 deck we travel into the future, past the year 3000. Vibrant purples and pinks inhabit the landscape of the cards, for a very modern and flashy look that is particularly well suited to cardistry. This particular deck is also available in a matching pink version. For more in this series, see NOC decks.

Popular Brands

There are several big brands that you can count on for quality, and this year was no exception, with big companies like Theory11, Ellusionist, and Art of Play all continuing to contribute wonderful playing cards to the market.
● James Bond 007 Playing Cards - When it comes to glamorous tuck boxes, it doesn't get much better than the luxury of playing card producer Theory11. This wonderful deck is a tribute to agent 007, James Bond. I collect most of the Theory11 decks, and this one is particularly terrific, with a supreme tuck box, and Bond-inspired paraphernalia on the court cards and on the card back. Close observers will find many Bond gadgets and more. Theory11 have put out several stylish releases in the past year, another one being the Hollywood Roosevelt deck. For more, see Theory11 decks.
● Shadow Masters Legacy v2 Playing Cards - One of the companies at the forefront of the custom playing cards movement was Ellusionist and their Black Tiger deck continues to be a modern icon. While they've since been overshadowed by the many custom decks produced in the crowd-funding era over the past decade, they continue to produce some memorable decks from time to time that are worth picking up. The Shadow Masters Legacy v2 is a black deck in the classic Ellusionist style, and represents the kind of thing that made them great to begin with. A jet black background is the chief feature of this deck, and the red and white used for the artwork and pips stands out beautifully against the inky black. This deck compares favourably with any other deck from the modern era. For more, see Ellusionist decks.
● Yellow Wheel Playing Cards - The brand Art of Play is the home of influential cardists Dan and Dave Buck. Their Red & Blue Wheel decks are among my all-time favourite decks, with gorgeous metallic inks as part of a split-pip design. The Yellow Wheel deck is their latest entry in the Wheel series, that retains the original card backs but now in yellow. But the highlight is the card faces, with the split pips employing a stunning metallic silver that complements the cards beautifully. This is a completely custom deck that is certain to impress anyone who sees it. Art of Play produces many new decks each year, and their Henry & Sally deck is a fun novelty release also worth checking out. For more, see Art of Play decks.

Popular Designers

They are a very select group, but there are some notable designers in the playing card industry who have developed a real name for themselves, have generated a large following of loyal fans, and continue to produce high quality custom decks on a regular basis.
● Italia Radiosa Playing Cards - Italian designer Giovanni Meroni is the man behind Thirdway Industries, and his playing cards are in high demand from collectors around the world. His signature style is immediately recognizable in each of his decks, and this one is no exception. Along with its companion Italia Segreta, it's themed around the wonders and secrets of Italy. The unique court cards are the real highlight, showcasing Giovanni's usual creativity and style. The number cards are also fully custom. These are the kinds of decks that will hold their value well in years to come. If you want even more vibrant colours, check out Modern Idols, from the same creator. For more, see Giovanni Meroni decks.
● Postage Paid Playing Cards - Behind the brand Kings Wild Project is Jackson Robinson, who is one of the few professional designers that actually makes a living out of designing playing cards. This deck was inspired by the idea of playing cards functioning as postcards, each with its own stamp and post paid stamp. All 50 US states are represented on different cards, and everything about this deck is fully customized. This deck was produced in only limited numbers, so it will be out of stock in most places. But if you're quick, you can still grab Jackson Robinson's General Admission deck, which applies a similar concept to tickets, with each card representing a vintage ticket stub from the early 20th century. For more, see Jackson Robinson decks.
● Kodiak Playing Cards - From popular designer Jody Eklund and his Black Ink Playing Cards Company, comes this delightful deck of playing cards that is geared to the poker player and collector. The cards have a very classic look, but offer a fresh take on the designs of the court cards and pips. Jody is highly respected for his approach to graphic design, and these cards will prove an excellent choice if you like playing card games, and want to bring something stylish and attractive to the table. For more, see Jody Eklund decks.

Magician Decks

Most magicians can perform their magic with any deck, but typically they prefer to do card magic with a deck where novelty and customization are minimal, so as not to distract from their magic. These decks are well suited to performing magic, and contain bonus gaff cards or other secrets that enable them to produce miracles not possible with ordinary decks.
● Card College Playing Cards - These decks are a tribute to the most outstanding modern teacher of the fundamentals of card magic, Roberto Giobbi. Mr Giobbi is the author of Card College, a series of best-selling books which are the modern gold standard for learning card magic. Available in red and blue, these decks are simple and practical for the working magician, and as a bonus each contains two double backer gaff cards. If you want more luxury, check out the stunning Luxury 3 Deck Set, which has even more stylish cards, individually numbered tuck boxes with unique origami style features, packaged in an attractive acrylic box - the ideal collectible or gift for magicians.
● Remedies Royal Blue Playing Cards - The Remedies decks come from popular creators Daniel Madison and Daniel Schneider, and this is a successor to the Remedies Scarlet Red deck. Many collectors love the Black Roses brand of playing cards, and collect whatever they produce. This blue Remedies deck has a classic and minimalist look with bold blue card backs, and is very functional and practical. The inclusion of a special Angle Zero gaff makes it ideal for magicians.
● DMC Elites Red v5 Playing Cards - Of all the marked decks I own, the DMC Elites is easily my first choice whenever I want a marked deck with cards that can be easily read from a distance, due to the clever and yet almost invisible marking system it uses. This deck has previously been released in several different colours, and now incorporates Tamariz's Mnemonica stack. All you need is the deck, but there is a terrific Passport book available separately, which will give you some great ideas for routines you can pull off with this great marked deck. For more, see Marked decks.

Cardistry Decks

Card flourishing has really boomed in recent years, and especially shines when cardists use a deck that has colourful and striking patterns optimized for cardistry, that enhance the visual aesthetics of cards in motion, as these decks show.
● Neon Orange Cardistry Playing Cards - This deck represents Bicycle's attempt to meet a demand for a relatively low-cost deck geared towards card flourishing. The card backs have a geometric design, and the faces are all identical and completely non-standard, showcasing the latest evolution in playing cards optimized entirely for cardistry. Bright colours ensure that the cards look visually appealing in fans, spreads, and flourishing moves. Alongside this vibrant orange deck is its blue companion, the Neon Blue Aurora deck.
● Autumn Circle Cardistry Playing Cards - Tally Ho is a classic brand that USPCC has been producing for a long time. The circle back design of the typical Tally Ho deck has become iconic, and is especially appreciated by those who enjoy card flourishing. Each year the folks at Bicycle produce some in-house decks for special occasions, and the Autumn Circle Back deck is a lovely result. The colours capture the warmth and glow of autumn leaves and the mood of harvest time, while the pattern on the card backs is perfect for cardistry.
● ArrowDynamix Cardistry Playing Cards - Given the high volume of cardistry decks appearing all the time, it can be difficult to come up with something completely original, but this minimalist deck has accomplished exactly that. Each card features a giant vertical arrow on the card backs, and a giant horizontal arrow on the faces. With carefully choreographed sequences and moves, you can create truly unique patterns and effects that you simply can't achieve with any other cardistry deck.

Animal-themed Decks

Do you love animals, or do you have an animal lover in your life? There are a lot of wonderful custom decks that are tributes to our four legged friends, or depict some of our favourite creatures.
● Woof and Whiskers Dog Playing Cards - The real appeal of this deck is the cute tuck box, which has cardboard ears that fold up, to complete the look of the friendly dog on the front of the box. I would have liked to see some more customization with the number cards, but it's still a very charming deck, with delightful custom artwork on the court cards and aces. This is one of two Zoo 52 decks, so if you like the Dog deck, you'll also want to pick up the Playful Paws Cat deck, which is equally cute.
● Aviary Playing Cards - There are a lot of independent creators that produce Bicycle branded playing cards with the help of industry giant USPCC, but this big name producer also releases its own in-house decks. This is my favourite of their four newest releases that hit the market at the end of 2020, and is a very classy looking deck with artwork inspired by a traditional look, but with adjustments to give it a custom feel, and the presence of several birds carefully positioned throughout the deck. Of the four new releases from Bicycle, the Sea King deck is also proving to be very popular.
● King of Tigers Playing Cards - If you're looking for a deck with bling, this is it. The card backs have a borderless tiger skin pattern, which has been printed with some of the latest technology that makes use of foil for a truly eye-catching look. The tuck box is even more glamorous. While the court cards are clearly inspired by traditional courts, the Jokers bring back the tiger theme strongly, and the tiger skin look recurs throughout the deck.

Food-themed Decks

Recent years have seen some wonderful novelty decks themed around different kinds of food. These are always a great way to whet your appetite for a card game, or to show off to family or friends, and have proved a real hit with collectors.
● Squeezers V3 Playing Cards - Good luck getting your hands on decks from this extremely popular series from Organic Playing Cards, because they sell out quickly. These fruit inspired decks have delightful tuck boxes, and this grapefruit themed deck even comes in a tuck box that looks like a juice box, and is actually scented like grapefruit. The cards themselves are quite practical, but add humorous grapefruit themed elements to the court cards, and new bold colours. OPC's 2020 releases also included the watermelon-themed Carvers deck, while their current release sees the brand go in a slightly new direction with the corn-themed Shuckers.
● Noodlers Chicken Playing Cards - If you like the concept behind the Organic Playing Cards series, you'll probably also enjoy this deck, which has a similarly styled tuck box to the Squeezers decks, but represents a packet of ramen noodles. The orange colour on the card backs and pips has also been inspired by the noodles theme. The artwork on the court cards has a quaint and cute style, with each character depicted in a light hearted style quite different from standard courts, and all holding a bowl of noodles. For a final laugh, the Jokers provide us with the necessary packet of "chicken seasoning" to add to our noodles.
● Citrus Playing Cards - Created by Flaminko, the Deliciousness series has been somewhat overshadowed by the more successful fruit inspired cards from Organic Playing Cards. But I love the Flaminko decks, because they apply customization to all elements of the cards, including the pips. This novelty deck is well suited for card flourishing, card games, and collectors, and cleverly captures all that is juicy and wonderful about citrus fruit.

Music-themed Decks

Music is another evergreen theme, and there's a solid range of lovely decks for the music lover, whether your taste is classical or more contemporary rock-and-roll.
● Composers Mozart Playing Cards - This deck is part of a series that also includes other composers like Bach. These decks are true collector pieces, and make a wonderful tribute to some of the greatest composers of all time. The tuck boxes have a very classical look, and metallic ink enhances the gorgeous card backs. Meanwhile completely custom artwork on the faces emphasizes a vintage and classical feel. They are great for music lovers and collectors, but if classical music isn't your thing, then check out the Rock and Roll deck.
● Piano Player Playing Cards - If the piano is your instrument of choice, this is a deck for you. The creative tuck box is available in two styles, one with two black keys and the other with three black keys, which means you can place two decks alongside each other to create a larger keyboard. Fully custom characters inhabit the court cards, with the keyboard motif returning in the details of the artwork. Small touches like this really make this creative deck a thing of unique beauty.
● Soundboards v3 Midnight Playing Cards - Remember the old walk-man cassette players? In the 1980s these revolutionary electronic devices were among the first to make your personal music collection portable. The Soundboards deck replicates the look of a classic walk-man, and the Jokers complete the look by bringing the cassette tape look into the box. This Midnight edition has a dark look, so you might also want to consider the red deck if you prefer a more traditional colour.

Fiction & Film themed Decks

Most of us love a good story, whether it's in the pages of a novel or on our screens. Here are some great custom decks that are loving tributes to some of the best from the worlds of fiction and film.
● Jane Austen Playing Cards - Fans of the classic novel will appreciate the loving treatment that Jane Austen's famous novels have received in this delightful tribute from the Art of Play label. Each suit represents a different novel, with the court cards featuring the lead characters in the story. The design of the characters is inspired by period costumes and reflects the fashions from the time in which the stories are set. The classy tuck case ensures that everything is nicely packaged and well presented.
● Star Wars Playing Cards - Theory11 achieved a real coup by acquiring the rights to bring the Star Wars brand to playing cards. They were the perfect company to ensure that the result was a classy deck that did justice to the world of the films. This pair of Light Side and Dark Side decks begins with a top quality and highly attractive tuck case, as we've come to expect from Theory11. The court cards all feature different characters from the movies, and the design is the perfect blend of customization and playability, making this a practical deck you can bring out for your favourite card game, or to give to the Star Wars fan in your life. A similar pair of decks was produced later in the year in White and Black.
● King Arthur Playing Cards - The result of a collaboration between Riffle Shuffle and Studio Muti, this pair of red and green decks tell the story of the famous Arthurian legend. For me it's a personal and nostalgic childhood favourite, in light of the adventure and imagination it evokes. But as impressive as these decks are, they pale besides the King Arthur Gold deck, which has gold metallic ink on the faces, and gold foil on the card backs, for a truly extravagant look. Inside and out, this is a stunning tribute to a timeless classic from the world of fiction.

Space-themed Decks

So I cheated. I already have a section devoted to cardistry, so I figured I'd sneak in a second category, by including some cardistry decks that all have a space theme. These decks all feature colourful visuals that work well for flourishing, but can also be enjoyed by collectors who appreciate their vibrant colours and exuberant designs.
● Solokid Constellation Playing Cards - This set of twelve decks captures the twelve different star signs. It was produced by Bocopo, a company well known for producing colourful custom decks that appeal especially to cardists and collectors. These decks are typical Bocopo offerings, with evocative colours that are unique to each different deck, to help capture a different feeling for each and every constellation. If you like vibrant colour, you'll certainly find something to enjoy here.
● Stargazer New Moon Playing Cards - Several different decks have now appeared in the Stargazer series, but the recent New Moon deck is probably my favourite. The circular moon that appears on all the card backs makes it an ideal deck for card flourishing moves like spins and twirls. The face cards have some truly vibrant colours, and capture well the feel of a night sky bursting with colour and life.
● Sirius B v3 Playing Cards - I fell in love with the style of the original Sirius B deck, so this third edition was always going to win me over. The court cards consist of a blur of colours that look like paints mixed together, and this style has also been applied to the pips. The colours are the real appeal here, and the signature design of the card backs also looks very nice in card flourishes.

Transformation Decks

I personally adore transformation cards, and consider them to be one of the most fascinating and memorable types of playing cards there is. The idea is that you take the pips and incorporate them into a larger picture that forms a unique work of art, for each and every card in the deck.
● Cotta's Almanac #1 Reproduction Playing Cards - This historic deck was first created in 1805 by J.C. Cotta, and was the very first of its kind. Themed on the "Joan of Arc" play by Schiller, the beauty and creativity of these cards will still win over collectors today. Lovingly produced in a high quality modern edition, this recreation is the first of the entire series of Cotta transformation decks that is being reproduced by PCD.
● 5th Kingdom Playing Cards - This deck is possibly my favourite original release from PCD in the past year. It is an outstanding example of the creativity and originality of a semi-transformation deck, where the pips have been cleverly incorporated into the artwork. Each suit represents a different culture, turning each individual card into a work of art that can be admired and enjoyed.
● Pack of Dogs V2 Playing Cards - This transformation deck is the work of John Littleboy, who has produced a number of such decks in his inimitable style, including Pack of Dogs, Kitten Club, Mermaid Queen, and Bag of Bones. The number cards are my favourites, and in this deck each of these represents a larger art piece with a dog. Each suit has a progressive image, so they don't feel totally unique from each other. It's more like a series of consecutive snapshots, and you can use flip animation to tell the story. Littleboy's Kitten Club V2 deck applies a similar concept to cats.

In-House Decks

PlayingCardDecks doesn't just sell playing cards, but Will Roya also uses his wealth of experience to team up with designers and graphic artists to produce high quality custom decks under the PCD label. Here are some great custom decks that were published in-house over the course of 2020.
● Astronaut Playing Cards - This novelty deck is a delightful creation that will please anyone who has an interest in space and space travel, in light of its unique theme. The Kings are all depicted as astronauts, while the Queens and Jacks represent space travellers. The card backs have a futuristic look with neon lights, and this look carries over to the number cards, which are highly customized with unique red and blue pips.
● Beekeeper Playing Cards - There are plenty of bee themed playing cards already on the market, but the artwork style gives this one a truly unique feel. Two decks were produced, one with light card backs and the other with dark card backs. This is a great novelty deck for the collector, because there's especially some delightful creativity to be found with the bee-inspired pips, and the detailed custom artwork on the court cards.
● Testament Classic Playing Cards - This is a Biblical themed deck created by artist Ben Green. It's intended as an art deck, with the images on the cards depicting Biblical characters from well-known narratives. Representing a dual love for playing cards and a love for Bible-inspired art, this deck will especially appeal to the collector.

Out-of-the-Ordinary Decks

I'm a sucker for highly unusual decks with a high degree of novelty, and even though these are not ones I'd typically use for playing card games, they have very unique features that make them stand out from your average custom deck.
● Starry Night Puzzle Playing Cards - Fancy a deck that doubles as a jigsaw puzzle? This clever deck takes its inspiration from Vincent Van Gogh's famous painting, The Starry Night. The artwork on the card faces is all taken from the painting, and all the cards can be pieced together to make a single giant picture, thus effectively functioning as a large puzzle. Yet each card has clear indices so it's still something you can use for card games too. Definitely unique and out of the ordinary, this set of playing cards is a perfect choice for fans of classic art and paintings.
● Falcon Razors Deluxe Throwing Playing Cards - Rick Smith Jr has made multiple world records in throwing playing cards. His baseball background holds him in good stead, but anybody can learn to throw playing cards if you use the techniques Rick teaches. These throwing cards were a collaboration with legendary flourisher De'vo, and were featured in one of this year's viral videos from Dude Perfect, which featured Rick and his amazing card throwing. The cards are slightly thicker than standard Bicycle stock, to ensure extra durability and performance for card throwing.
● AQUA Invisible Plastic Playing Cards - If you're looking for something completely different, this might hit the mark. This is a ground-breaking deck that is the closest thing to being invisible. All the cards are made out of completely transparent plastic, after which a high gloss transparent printing is applied to selected areas of the cards to produce the designs and pips. So each card is effectively completely transparent, and yet you can see its unique artwork and determine its value and suit. The handling is surprisingly better than you'd expect for a completely plastic deck, and it's certainly something unique.

Other Gift Ideas

Do you want to let your gift recipient make their own decision about what to get, or are you not quite sure what to buy? Here are a couple of special gift ideas that might help out, even if it is to give your family or friends a convenient way to enable you to select your own gift!
Firstly, there's a wide range of accessories available for playing cards, like card clips, card cases, and more. Alternatively, consider a gift card, which is available in amounts of $10, $25, $50, $100, and $200. There's also the popular Pip Box Club, which has been around for over two years. Subscribers get a selection of decks and goodies shipped to them each month, and offers great value with each box.
Boxing Day Sale: Right now you can take advantage of a special sale at PlayingCardDecks, and save $10 off any order over $30 by using the code box20. This coupon is valid from Boxing Day until the end of 2020.
Happy shopping, and happy holidays!

IM GEORGE ZIMMER

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AS HE MOVED FROM PROUDLY DISPLAYING HIS COMPARATIVELY INSIGNIFICANT PENILE PINKY TO THE OLDER WOMEN TO THE YOUNG, BOUNCY AND BOUNTIFUL BEAUTIFULLY BREASTED BROAD THAT HAD CAUSED THE MAMMOTH SWELLING OF MY SWEATY MALE-WHALE, I CLUTCHED TIGHTLY MY TROPHY FROM AFOREMENTIONED COMPETITION, AND KNEW IMMEDIATELY THE APPROPRIATE COURSE OF ACTION. THE LOOK THAT GRACED HIS WANDERING EYES AS MY PULSATING POWER PUMP RUSHED TO MEET HIS FACE WILL CAUSE ME RUMBLING LAUGHTER FOR MANY A YEAR. THE RESULTIMG AROMA OF GIN AND TESTOSTERONE THAT LINGERED IN THE AIR WAS INVIGORATING. I THEN SPOKE IN A DIALECT OF MANDARIN CHINESE IN A FREQUENCY THAT ONLY ELEPHANTS CAN HEAR A WARNING TO THIS MAN THAT THIS BEHVAIOR OF HIS IS NOT ACCEPTABLE. ALAS, IT FELL ON DEAF EARS, FOR HE HAD PASSED. THE FELLATIO SESSION THAT I HAD EARNED FROM THE MAGNIFICENTLY MILKY MAIDEN WAS INTERRUPTED BY THE GOINGS-ON OF THE NEAREST POLICE OFFICER. RATHER THAN GO THROUGH THE TEDIUM OF FILLING OUT TIRESOME REPORTS AND STATEMENTS, I WASHED HIM OUT OF THE TRAIN AND UP THE STAIRS TO THE STREET WITH A BATH OF ONLY THE FINEST PROTEIN PACKED PUBIC PUDDING THAT I COULD MUSTER. I GUARANTEE IT. George Foreman HI, I'M GEORGE ZIMMER, FOUNDER AND CEO OF THE MEN'S WAREHOUSE. THAT GODDAMN NIGGER GEORGE FOREMAN LIES LIKE THE LITTLE BITCH THAT HE IS. IN ACTUALITY, I SHOVED MY MASSIVE MEAT MOUNTAIN UP HIS WIFE AND DOG'S ASSES, KILLING THEM INSTANTLY. THEN I USED GEORGE'S OWN LEAN MEAN GRILLING MACHINE TO COOK THEIR CORPSES. I MUST ADMIT, THOUGH, THAT GRILL CAN COOK A MIGHTY FINE BABY BATTER-FILLED MAIN COURSE. I GUARANTEE IT. Movie Theater HI, I'M GEORGE ZIMMER, FOUNDER AND CEO OF THE MEN'S WEARHOUSE. WHILE SURREPTITIOUSLY PLUNGING MY ROSY-CHEEKED CYCLOPEAN ALLY INTO THE ANAL CAVITY OF A YOUNG MIGRANT FARM WORKER OF INDETERMINATE GENDER IN THE FRONT ROW OF A MOVIE THEATER, THE POOR YOUTH SCREAMED FOR MORE THAN THREE MINUTES STRAIGHT, FINALLY COUGHING UP A LOAD OF 100% PURE ZIMMER SAUCE AND PASSING OUT. THE OTHER MOVIE PATRONS, ANGRY AT THE INTERRUPTION OF THE ADVENTURES OF SHARKBOY AND LAVAGIRL IN 3-D, BEGAN PELTING ME WITH DRINKS, FOOD, AND PHONE NUMBERS HASTILY WRITTEN ON NAPKINS. UNFORTUNATELY, MY OUTRAGEOUSLY DAPPER SUIT WAS RUINED IN THE PROCESS. I NONCHALANTLY PULLED THE UNCONSCIOUS YOUTH OFF MY ENORMOUS EYEBALL GOUGER AND STRIPPED NUDE. THEN, WITH A BESTIAL ROAR, I BEAT THE ENTIRE AUDIENCE TO DEATH--WITHOUT LEAVING THE FRONT ROW. ON MY WAY OUT, IN THE CUSTOM OF THE ZIMMER FAMILY, I GAVE THEM A BURIAL AT SEMEN. I GUARANTEE IT. Becoming A Real Man HI, I'M GEORGE ZIMMER, FOUNDER AND CEO OF THE MEN'S WEARHOUSE. APPARENTLY, YOU DON'T KNOW WHEN TO SHUT THE FUCK UP, WHICH IS TO BE EXPECTED FROM AN ASS-DRAGGING MAN WHORE LIKE YOURSELF THAT GETS KICKED OFF THE GOOD CORNERS BY TWELVE YEAR OLD BOYS LOOKING FOR EXTRA INCOME TO SUPPORT THEIR POKEMON ADDICTIONS. IF YOU'RE EVER INTERESTED IN BECOMING A REAL MAN, COME BY THE MEN'S WEARHOUSE WHERE I CAN GIVE YOU A TESTOSTERONE INFUSION IN THE BACK ALLEY WITH MY PATENTED PULSATING MAN HAMMER. I'LL SPREAD YOUR ASS CHEEKS WIDER THAN THE MARIANAS TRENCH, AND I'LL PLUNGE MY THUNDERING FLESH REDWOOD INTO YOUR WINKING PINK CHRYSANTHEMUM. SLIPPING ON MY STEEL WOOL GLOVES, I'LL GRAB YOUR MINISCULE QUIVERING JOYSTICK AND VIGOROUSLY MASSAGE IT UNTIL IT STANDS UP HARDER AND STRAIGHTER THAN A MARINE AT SHORT ARM INSPECTION WITH HIS FAVORITE DRILL SERGEANT. WHEN I FINALLY UNLEASH MY SHOWER OF MAN MAYONNAISE INTO YOUR COLON YOUR INNARDS WILL PULSATE IN JOYOUS ABANDON AND YOUR NIPPLES WILL EXPLODE WITH DELIGHT, RAINING MY SEX SAUCE DOWN UPON UNWARY PASSERSBY WHO WILL COWER IN FEAR OF THE SECOND COMING. I GUARANTEE IT. The Real George Zimmer, Again HI, I�M GEORGE ZIMMER, FOUNDER AND CEO OF THE MEN�S WEARHOUSE. MY YODELING MANSEED-SPRAYER CAN KILL A YAK AT THIRTY PACES�WITH ONE SWING. IT�LL BE A COLD DAY IN HELL WHEN ANYONE ON /B/ CAN COMPLAIN ABOUT THE POWER CONTAINED IN MY FORTUNE 500 FETUS FACIALIST. I�LL TRACK YOU DOWN, WITHDRAW MY MISCHIEVOUS MAIDEN MANGLER FROM MY UNCONSCIONABLY SEXY SUIT AND WATCH IN SILENCE AS YOU BEG TO SUCKLE AT MY TERRIFYINGLY TANTALIZING TESTICLES. YOU WON�T BE ABLE TO RESIST ME AS I SATIATE MY RANDY RAPE ROD USING YOUR QUIVERING FLESH. I�LL LEAVE YOUR CORPSE FOR PASSERSBY TO FIND IT, NAKED AND DRIPPING WITH SEVERAL HELPINGS OF MY EXTRAORDINARILY EFFERVESCENT ESSENCE OUTSIDE THE LOCAL ELEMENTARY SCHOOL. THEN I�LL MOVE ON TO YOUR MOTHER. I GUARANTEE IT. Raping /b/tards HI, I'M GEORGE ZIMMER, FOUNDER AND CEO OF THE MEN'S WEARHOUSE. IT LOOKS LIKE SOME OF YOU /B/TARDS THINK YOU CAN CONTROL ME. THIS PARTICULAR /B/TARD THOUGHT HE WAS CLEVER, POSTING ABOUT ME BEHIND MY BACK. WELL, UNTIL I APPEARED BEHIND HIM IN A PLUME OF SMOKE AND AEROSOLIZED ASS BUTTER. HIS PARENTS ARE WATCHING AS I GIVE HIS KIDNEYS A TEN POINT INSPECTION WITH MY FLANNEL MAN-SPIGOT, WHILE SIMULTANEOUSLY TYPING THIS POST, ANALLY PENETRATING THE OBESE MOTHER OF THIS /B/TARD, AND FILLING THE FATHER�S FACE WITH A GENEROUS HELPING OF MY GOOEY GUY GRAVY. AFTER I FINISH, I�LL BEAT THEM TO DEATH WITH MY VEINY LOVE TRUMPET, AND DISAPPEAR IN A VEIL OF MISTY WHITE SPRAY. ANY ONE OF YOU COULD BE NEXT. I GUARANTEE IT. Explosion HI IM GEORGE ZIMMER FOUNDER AND CEO OF MENS WAREHOUSE, AND WHILE YOUR OFFER INTRIGUES ME YOU MUST BE ASSURED THAT THE VERY FIRST TIME I EXTRACTED MY THROBBING GRISTLE STICK FROM MY BULGING SUIT PANTS AND PLUNGED IT DEEP INTO YOUR WAITING CLEFT AS AHAB SO PLUNGED HIS SPEAR INTO THE RED BLOWHOLE OF MOBY DICK, THAT THE EXPLOSION OF MAN FLUID THAT WOULD FILL YOUR INTERNAL CAVITY WOULD DO SO WITH SUCH DAEMONIC ALACRITY AS TO CAUSE A SPONTANEOUS AND COMPLETE ERUPTION OF YOUR INTERNAL ORGANS IN SUCH A GROTESQUE AND SPECTACULAR MANNER THAT I WOULD BE COVERD IN LITTLE RED DRIPPING BITS OF YOU IN 5 SECONDS FLAT. I GUARANTEE IT. Board of Directors HI, I'M GEORGE ZIMMER, FOUNDER AND CEO OF THE MEN'S WEARHOUSE. ONE DAY, ABOUT A WEEK AGO, I WAS HOLDING A MEETING WITH MY COMPANY'S BOARD OF DIRECTORS, EXPLAINING THE IMPORTANCE OF DEDICATION, AND QUALITY IN THE SALE OF OUTRAGEOUSLY DAPPER SUITS, WHEN I NOTICED ONE OF THE MEMBERS OF THE BOARD WAS, IN FACT, A STUNNINGLY BEAUTIFUL BLOND FEMALE, HER BEAUTY MATCHED ONLY BY HER PROFESSIONAL MANNER AND ABSOLUTELY ELEGANT SUIT. THIS COMBINATION OF STIMULI GAVE MY MONOLITHIC CROTCH CANNON NO CHOICE BUT TO AUGMENT AND OBLITERATE MY PANTS. WITHIN MOMENTS MY MY MEMBER HAD DESOLATED THE BOARD ROOM, THE TABLE HAVING BEEN SMASHED UNDER THE SHEER GIRTH OF MY PELVIC PULVERISER, AND THE WOMAN IN QUESTION WAS IMPALED ON ITS GARGANTUAN TIP, HAVING THROWN HERSELF IN ITS APOCOLIPTIC PATH OF DESTRUCTION IN AN EFFORT NOT ONLY TO SAVE THE LIVES OF HER COLLEAGUES, BUT TO EXPERIENCE FIRSTHAND THE QUASI-RELIGEOUS EXPERIENCE THAT IS ZIMMER. AS MY TROUSER TRUNCHEON EXPANDED, DEMOLISHING WALLS AND DISPATCHING THE INTERNS WHO ATTEMPTED TO ESCAPE WITH THEIR LIVES RATHER THAN THROW THEMSELVES AT THE MERCY OF MY THROBBING FLESH MISSLE. MOMENTS LATER MY PHALLUS HAD KNOCKED OUT MANY OF THE BUILDING'S SUPPORT BEAMS AND THE FLOORS OVERHEAD CRASHED DOWN, THE FORCE OF THEIR MOMENTUM CAUSING THE ENTIRE BUILDING ITSELF TO COLLAPSE IN A NIGHTMARISH MANNER NOT UNLIKE A FAMOUS DISASTER FROM A FEW YEARS AGO. RISING FROM THE RUBBLE, WITH THE STUNNING BOARD MEMBER STILL ON THE TIP OF MY GOD-SHLONG CRYING ALOUD FOR MERCY, HER SUIT AS WELL AS MINE UTTERLY RUINED BY THE AFFAIR, AS WELL AS A DOZEN OTHERS STILL CLINGING TO THE SHAFT. i LET OUT A THUNDERING ROAR AND LET SPEW FORTH MY SEED WITH SUCH AWE-INSPIRING FORCE THAT THE LOAD SHATTERED THE SOUND BARRIER, VAPOURIZING MY LUSTY ASSOCIATE, CRUSHING EVERYONE IN SIGHT AND SHATTERING EVERY WINDOW IN A 5-MILE RADIUS. IN THE AFTERMATH, STANDING NAKED AND COVERED IN CEMENT DUST, AND SMILING CONTENTLY AT THE DEMOLISHED, SEMEN-COVERED RUINS BEFORE ME, I SPOTTED A SMALL DOG, STUMBING IN THE DEBRIS, ITS EARS BLEEDING AND GASPING FOR BREATH IN THE HUMID MUSK. I COULDN'T HELP MYSELF. WITH A LOUD THUD MY ELEPHANTINE MAN-HAMMER HAD CRUSHED THE ANIMAL LIKE A THICK, MEATY FLYSWATTER. I GUARANTEE IT. Luncheon HI, I'M GEORGE ZIMMER, FOUNDER AND CEO OF THE MEN'S WEARHOUSE. I RECIEVED YOUR MEMO CONCERNING LAST WEEKS LUNCHEON, AND I MUST SAY I REALLY ENJOYED MYSELF. YOUR SISTER, WHO APPARENTLY DECIDED TO ATTEND THE PARTY WEARING A STUNNING SILK DRESS, GAVE MY GARGANTUAL ENORMOUS PULSATING COLUMN OF FLESH NO OTHER CHOICE BUT TO EXTEND AND ERECT TO ITS FULL POTENTIAL, THE SIZE OF WHICH I CAN HARDLY EXPRESS IN WORDS. AT THE SIGHT OF MY IMMENSE MEAT HAMMER, I FOUND YOUR SISTER BEGGING AND MOANING, ON HER KNEES, FOR JUST ONE TASTE OF MY ZIMMER SPECIAL. THE RESULT WAS INEVITABLE; YOUR SISTER WAS INSTANTLY BLOWN ACROSS THE ROOM AS MY COLOSSAL HOSE EXPLODED IN A TORRENT OF MY DNA PUDDING. IT TOOK HER 2 HOURS TO REMOVE THE THICK LAYER OF MY SPECIAL NUT BATTER FROM HER FACE, AND EVEN THOUGH I STRONGLY DISCOURAGED IT, SHE DECIDED TO CONSUME THE ENTIRE QUANTITY OF MY HE-SALSA, THE VOLUME OF WHICH COULD EASILY FILL A INDUSTRIAL SIZED FUEL TANK. I GUARANTEE IT. Your Mom I HAVE A SIMILAR STORY TO SHARE WITH YOU CONCERNING YOUR MOTHER. IT HADN'T CROSSED MY MIND, BUT DURING YOUR ORIENTATION SESSION HERE AT MEN'S WEARHOUSE INC., YOUR MOTHER, WHO ALSO ATTENDED ALONG WITH YOU THAT VERY DAY, PASSED ME A NOTE, WHICH I DO NOT RECALL IN ITS ENTIRETY. SOMETHING ABOUT "I WILL GIVE YOU MY LIFE IN EXCHANGE FOR EXPERIENCING THAT WHICH EVERY MAN, WOMAN, AND CHILD ON THIS EARTH PRAYS EVERY DAY TO EXPERIENCE; GETTING FUCKED IN THE MOUTH BY YOUR THROBBING MASSIVE COLUMN OF FLESH". I COULD NOT DISCOURAGE THIS WOMAN, SO IN A FLASH, MY DAPPER TIGHT PANTS EXPLODED AS MY BEHEMOTH OF LOVE UNLEASHED ITSELF TOWARDS YOUR MOTHER'S GAPING UTERUS, WHICH SHE HAD SUBMITTED TO MY MEAT MISSILE THE MOMENT SHE REALIZED HER LIFE GOAL HAD BEEN REALIZED. I FEEL IT IS AN APPOPRIATE TIME NOW TO LET YOU KNOW THAT YOUR MOTHERS DEATH 5 YEARS AGO WAS NOT DUE TO A TERRORIST ATTACK DURING THE ORIENTATION PARTY, IN WHICH YOUR MOTHER WAS BLOWN APART BY AN RPG; RATHER THE SHEER SIZE OF MY THROBBING MAMMOTH-LIKE MISSILE WAS TOO MUCH FOR HER BODY TO SUPPORT, DESPITE HER ARGUABLY SIZEABLE ANUS. THAT, ALONG WITH THE SUBSEQUENT TORRENTIAL FLOOD WHICH INSTANTLY FILLED HER BODY WITH MY CREAMY MAN JUICE, AND WHICH THE SHEER VOLUME OF ITS CONTENT RESULTED IN THE GOOEY MATTER GUSHING OUT OF EVERY ORIFICE IN HER BODY. I GUARANTEE IT. 9/11 HI, I'M GEORGE ZIMMER, FOUNDER AND CEO OF THE MENS WEARHOUSE. 9/11 WAS A LIE. THERE WERE NO TOWEL HEADS. THERE WAS NO AIRPLANE. IN TRUTH I WAS VISITING THE BIG APPLE, SO AS TO COMPARE MY GARGATUAIN MEAT TRAIN TO IT AND LAUGH AT THE GASPING NEW YORKERS AS I POUNDED THEIR MELOVED NAMESAKE INTO BIG APPLE SAUCE. HAVING NOT GOTTEN RELEASE FROM MY CULLENARY EXERISIZE, I MIANDERED DOWN THE STREET WITH MY VIRAL BLOOD ENGORGED SEWER PIPE OUT IN FRONT OF ME LIKE A BLIND MAN'S CANE, LOOKING FOR A HOLE IN THE BACK SIDE OF A WOMAN(S) TO STRETCH BEYOND HUMAN LIMITS. I SPOTTED AT THAT VERY MOMENT AN ATRACTIVE FEMALE IN A MINISKIRT WAVING AT ME. I SLAPED HER TO THE GROUND WITH MY HUMONGOUS PHALUS AND QUICKLY RAVISHED HER SKIRT LIKE A RABID DOG ON A BABY MADE OF STEAK. THE SITE THAT AWAITED ME BOTH SHOCKED AND ENRAGED ME. AFTER SEEING THIS "WOMAN"'S RAISN SIZED WINKY WINKLER, I VOMITED DOWN HIS THROAT THEN PENETRATED HIS ESAPHAGUS, RIPED OUT HIS SPINE AND PEELED HIS CORPS FROM OFF MY MONEY MAKER. TO TEACH ALL OF NEW YORK A LEASON FOR LETTING THIS FLAMMING FAG BAG LIVE, I LET LOOSE A SEMENAL FLOOD OF BIBLICAL PROPORTIONS UPON THE TOWERS OF TWO (AT WHICH'S SMALL SIZE I LAUGHED LIKE A CLOWN RAPING AN 8 YEAR OLD) WHICH CAUSED THEM TO COME CRASHING DOWN LIKE ME AFTER A WEEKEND METH BINGE. I MOCKED THE NEW YORKERS AND MADE NIGGER JOKES AS THEY RAN FROM MY EVER EXPANDING CLOUD OF SPERMAZOA, MASTURBATING TO THE LOOKS OF HORROR ON THEIR FACES. THE GOVERNMENT, IN AN ATTEMPT TO SAVE FACE AND BECASUE THEY HATE ARABS MORE THAN JEWS, PAINTED A BOEING 747 ON MY GIGANTIC COCK AND CALLED IT A TERROIST ATTACK. THE FEELING OF PAINTBRUSHES ON MY DICK MADE ME COME AGAIN, AND PRESIDENT BUSH SNORTED UP EVERY DROP BECAUSE HE THOUGHT IT WAS COKE. I GUARANTEE IT. The Real George Zimmer, Part III HI, I'M THE REAL GEORGE ZIMMER, FOUNDER AND CEO OF THE MEN'S WEARHOUSE. WHILE THAT LAST POST WAS UNDOUBTEDLY WELL-WRITTEN, IT LACKED THE FINER ELEMENTS OF STYLE THAT MAKE MY DELICIOUS ANAL PILLAGINGS SO ENJOYABLE. JUST THE SIGHT OF MY RAKISH COUNTENANCE CAN SEND WOMEN INTO EXPLOSIVE, MIND-NUMBING FITS OF ORGASM LONG BEFORE I PULL OUT MY MAJESTIC PLEASURE PISTON AND RAM IT DOWN THEIR GASPING THROATS. IN JUST A FEW MINUTES THEY'VE GOT A BELLYFUL OF STEAMING-HOT MAN SHAKE AND I'M OFF TO POST IN /B/, WHERE MY PRESENCE IS ALWAYS WELCOME. I GUARANTEE IT. Wannabes HI I'M GEORGE ZIMMER FOUNDER AND CEO OF MEN'S WAREHOUSE. IF YOU LOW-LIFE WANNABE COCK PHEASANTS CONTINUE TO SHATTER MY GOOD NAME WITH HORRID AND TASTELESS ANECDOTES I WILL FORCE MY COLOSSAL SPERM-WHALE UP YOUR SHIT CHUTE SO FAR THAT YOUR ANCESTORS IN HEAVEN WILL HAVE THEIR TEETH KNOCKED OUT FROM BEHIND. AS MY HUGE SUPER CENTIPEDE GOES THROUGH YOUR INTERNAL ORGANS UP YOUR MOUTH AND INTO THE HEAVENS ABOVE. AS ALL THE ANGELS EXCLAIM AT THE COLOSSAL NATURE OF MY MAN WORM. ALL OF THEM TAKING PICTURES OF IT TO RECORD THE DAY THAT YOU SOILED THE NAME OF GOOD GEORGE ZIMMER! I GUARANTEE IT. Sister in the Alley HI... I'M GEORGE ZIMMER - FOUNDER AND CEO OF THE MEN'S WEARHOUSE. A WEEK AND A HALF AGO IN AN ALLEY BEHIND HER WORKPLACE I THRUST MY INHUMANLY TURGID MEMBER INTO YOUR SISTER'S ANAL CAVITY. AS MY GARGANTUAN MEAT SPEAR PENETRATED HER BUTT PIPE SHE SCREAMED AND FAINTED, SMASHING HER FACE AGAINST THE HARD ASPHALT OF THE ALLEY. I FLIPPED HER OVER AND PULLED MY LOG OUT, TAKING CARE NOT TO GET BLOOD ON MY AMAZINGLY DAPPER SUIT AND THEN PROCEEDED TO FIRE MY JIZZ ROCKET ONTO HER GLASSES AND PUCKERED NIPPLES. PROMPTLY AFTER SHOVING HER IN THE TRUNK OF MY LEXUS I DROVE OFF INTO THE DARK NIGHT ONLY TO DROP HER OFF AT A REST STOP MOTEL WITH $1.50 IN CHANGE TO CALL A CAB. SHE ENDED UP TAKING A SUB HOME WHILE CALLING ME 6 TIMES ON MY CELL PHONE. WHEN I ANSWERED ALL I HEARD WAS WIMPERING AND A LOW MOAN. I GUARANTEE IT. Magic HI, I�M GEORGE ZIMMER, FOUNDER AND CEO OF THE MEN�S WEARHOUSE. MAGIC? I�LL BET THE LAST TIME YOU GOT ANYWHERE NEAR MAGIC IN BED YOU WERE SHOVING TWENTY-SIDED DICE UP YOUR ASS WHILE YOU JERKED YOUR TINY WAND TO YOUR MAGIC: THE GATHERING DECK. SOUNDS TO ME LIKE YOU NEED A MEGA-DOSE OF ZIMMER-BRAND MASCULINITY. I�LL COVER YOUR HAPLESS, EFFEMINATE FORM IN A THREE FOOT DEEP LAYER OF WHITE-HOT BABY BROTH FROM MY IMMINENTLY IMPRESSIVE ZIMMER PLEASURE PYTHON. YOU�LL BEG ME FOR A SECOND COMING, AND I�LL OBLIGE YOU, PUMMELING YOU IN EVERY ORIFICE. YOU�LL AWAKEN IN THE HOSPITAL, YOUR TEETH BROKEN OFF AT THE GUM LINE AND WITH SEVERE BLOOD LOSS FROM YOUR ANUS. BUT YOU�LL STILL CALL ME TO BEG FOR MORE. I GUARANTEE IT. Sex with Zimmer: Serious Business HI, I'M GEORGE ZIMMER, FOUNDER AND CEO OF THE MENS WAREHOUSE. RECENTLY, I WAS APPROACHED BY QUITE A LUCIOUS LOOKING LADY PERSON. HER BINDING BUST FIGURE IMMEDIATLY FORCED MY TWITCHING GARGANTUAN MAN CANNON TO RAPIDLY EXPAND TO DIVINE ELEPHANTINE DIMENSIONS. THE LADY IN QUESTION, WHO'S BEAUTY WAS ONLY MATCHED BY THAT OF MY COLLOSSAL DOWNSTAIRS DOWEL, WAS ASTOUNDED AND THUS PROCEEDED TO STARE INTENTLY AT MY INTENSIFYINGLY TITANTIC LUST LOG OF INFINITE SEXUAL DESIRE AS IT OBILTERATED MY FINE UNDERWEAR AND TROUSERS CUNNINGLY CONSTRUCTED BY MY DIGNIFIED CHAIN OF RETAILERS. SHE WAS SO FLABBERGASTED AT THE SHEER SIZE AND GRANDEUR OF MY MAGNIFICENT AND IMPRESSIVE ZIMMER BATON THAT I UNDRESSED HER FINE SKIRT AND UNDERWEAR GARMENTS WITH MY PSYCOKINETIC EYES AND SLAMMED MY GIANT OMINOUS VEINY WHALE INTO THE CREVACE OF HER ORIFICE AND DISCHARGED AN ARMY OF MINITURE DAPPER ALBINO BOSNIANS TO COAT THE INSIDES OF HER ANAL CAVITY WITH ONLY THE FINEST SMELLING ZIMMER PROTEIN PACKED PENILE PRODUCE. ONCE I HAD FINISHED WITH THE PUPPYLIKE WHORE, I STAMPED MY NOW ALMOST FLACID STOPCOCK OF JOY AGAINST THE GROUND AND CHARGED INTO THE NIGHT SKY WITH THE ROCKET FUEL OF A THOUSAND GODS TO CONTINUE MY CRUSADES OF MEAT CLOBBERIN'. I GUARANTEE IT. Your Girlfriend HELLO I'M GEORGE ZIMMER, CEO AND FOUNDER OF THE MEN'S WEARHOUSE. TONIGHT I WAS BEATING YOUR GIRLFRIEND'S HEAD AGAINST HER BEDROOM WALL WITH MY GIGANTIC RAMROD AND AS SHE DEEP-THROATED MY MAN-MEAT I REALIZED THAT IT WAS TIME FOR THE MEN'S WEARHOUSE ANNUAL SALE. ONCE I FILLED HER ESOPHAGUS UP WITH MY AMAZING AMOUNT OF BABY BUTTER I HEADED OUT TO OUR STORES TO REMIND CUSTOMERS THAT OUR SUITS FIT WELL AND ARE CHEAPER THAN THE COMPETITION, LIKE YOUR MOTHER'S COCK RECEPTICLE. IT BARELY FITS MY ROLLING PIN OF PLEASURE, BUT EVENTUALLY I BANG HER SO HARD THAT IT BECOMES A CUSTOM FIT, LIKE THE SERVICE AT ANY OF OUR NATIONWIDE LOCATIONS. SHE BEGS ME NIGHTLY TO FILL HER WITH COCK-JUICE LIKE HOW YOU'LL BE BEGGING FOR THE AMAZING SAVINGS WE OFFER AT THE MEN'S WEARHOUSE. I GUARANTEE IT. Halloween HI IM GEORGE ZIMMER, FOUNDER AND CEO OF THE MENS WEARHOUSE. IT WAS THE NIGHT OF THE 31ST ALSO KNOWN AS HALLOWEEN, WHEN MANY PEOPLE OF THE YOUNG VARIETY GO AROUND IN SHITTY COSTUMSES AND GETTING FREE CANDY INSTED OF BEING AT HOME AND HAVING WILDY ORGIES . THERE I WAS IN MY ZIMMERMOBILE, RUNNING OVER THE POOR LADS AND LASSES IN THEIR $20.00 COSTUMES FORM WAL-MART, WHEN I SUDDENLY SPOTTED A FINE, BLONDE WOMAN WITH BREASTS THAT WERE AS BIG AS THE CANDY BOWL SHE HAD IN HER HANDS, HANDING OUT CANDY FROM A LOVELY, BRICK HOUSE IN THE SUBURBS. I THEN STOPPED MY ZIMMERMOBILE, MY ENORMUS MEAT DRILL POKING OUT MY PANTS AT THE SIGHT OF THE VOLUPTUOUS WOMAN. SHE HAD THEN ASKED ME THE SAME QUESTION SHE HAD ASKED OTHER KIDS TAHT CAME BY ONLEY FOR CHEAP CANDY WHICH WAS, 'WHO ARE YOU SUPPOSED TO ME AND WHAT IS YOUR TRICK?' LAUGHING AT THE STUPID COMMENT SHE HAD SAID, I THEN KNOCKED OVER THE CANDY BOWL SHE WAS HOLDING BETWEEN HER 2 FLESH BASKETBALLS, FORECEFULY SMACKED HER AND BENT HER OVER WITH MY ROD OF MEN, AND THEN TOOK OFF MY BUSINESS PANTS AND SHOWED HER MY SPECIAL TRICK BY DEFILING HER OVARIES AND MAKING HER SCREAM WITH EXCITEMENT WITH THE RHYTHM OF MY GIANT COCK. AS SOON AS I FELT THE POINT OF CLIMAX, I THEN PROCEEDED TO SQUIRT MY GOOEY NOUGAT CREAM ALL OVER HER LIVING ROOM. WHEN THE KIDS HAD ARRIVED AT HER HOUSE, THEY THOUGHT MY EJACULATORY FLUID WAS NOUGAT CANDY AND ATE IT. OF COURSE, I WAS ALREADY GONE AND SPEEDING AWAY IN MY ZIMMERMOBILE LOOKING FOR ANOTHER FINE LASS TO SHOW MY GREAT HALLOWEEN TIRCK TO. I GUARANTEE IT. Ashlee HI... I'M GEORGE ZIMMER - FOUNDER AND CEO OF THE MEN'S WEARHOUSE. ASHLEE, I'D LIKE TO BEAT YOUR CHEST WITH MY ENORMOUSLY HEAVY, THROBBING PELVIC CROCODILE UNTIL I GEYSER A HUGE WATERFALL OF STICKY BABY DRESSING ON YOUR FACE. I'LL MOP IT UP WITH MY THICK HEAD AND SLAP IT ON YOUR LIPS SO THEY DON'T CHAP. YOU'LL CUM SO HARD YOUR DOWNSTAIRS NEIGHBORS WILL NEED TO CHANGE THEIR SHEETS. I GUARANTEE IT. Comparing Sizes HI, I'M GEORGE ZIMMER, FOUNDER AND CEO OF THE MENS WEARHOUSE. OBVIOUSLY, YOU PEOPLE CANNOT MATCH TO MY GREAT URETHA MOUTAIN TO YOUR PUNY FLESH WRINKLES SO YOU ALL DECIDE TO TRY AND 1-UP ME. I AM HERE TO TELL YOU THAT WILL BE POSSIBLE AS PLEASURING A GREAT HUMPBACK WHALE. GOOGLE_QUEEN, SINCE YOU'RE SO SMART AS YOU ELEQUENTLY SAY SO YOURSELF, YOU SHOULD KNOW THAT INDIVDIUALITY IS A MATTER OF BEING DIFFERENT. JUST BECAUSE I HAVE FUN DEFILING BEAUTIFUL YOUNG FEMALS AND CASUING HAVOC DOES NOT MAKE ME SICK AS IT IS ALL A MATTER OF OPINION. SAYING 'YOU NEED TO GET A LIFE' IS IMPLYING THAT YOU WANT ME TO LIVE A LIFE LIKE YOURS AS A LIFE, LIKE INDIVIDUALITY, WILL ALWAYS BE DIFFERENT. I GUARANTEE IT. Meteor HI, I�M GEORGE ZIMMER, FOUNDER AND CEO OF THE MEN�S WEARHOUSE. I AM IMPRESSED THAT SOMEONE SO OBVIOUSLY INCAPABLE OF BIPEDAL MOVEMENT DUE TO THE ENORMOUS ROLLS OF FLESH SURROUNDING YOU IS CAPABLE OF TYPING AT ALL. I HAVE A SET OF TRIPLETS NIBBLING AT MY CARNAL CORNUCOPIA; WHEN I CLIMAX, A DELICIOUS DELUGE OF DONG DROPPINGS WILL BE FLUNG INTO LOW EARTH ORBIT. A TEAM OF SCIENTISTS HIGHLY TRAINED IN THE EROTIC ART OF ALIGNING MY RAPACIOUS RAPE ROCKET WILL ENSURE THAT THIS QUALITY QUIM-CAULK QUINTESSENCE RE-ENTERS THE ATMOSPHERE AIMED EXACTLY AT YOUR ADMITTEDLY AMPLE FRAME. IF THE SIZZLING HEAT OF MY NIAGARA-LIKE TORRENT OF BOILING HOT FERTILITY FLUID DOESN�T KILL YOU, THE FACT YOU�LL BE TOO AROUSED TO DO MORE THAN INHALE IT DEEPLY WHILE TRYING VAINLY TO FIND A WAY TO REACH YOUR IMPRESSIVELY INSIGNIFICANT INCEST INCHWORM WILL. I GUARANTEE IT. Religion HI, I�M GEORGE ZIMMER, FOUNDER AND CEO OF THE MEN�S WAREHOUSE. YOUR MOTHER MAY HAVE BEEN BLESSED MORE TIMES BY THE SACRED WHITE RIVER OF MY PELVIC PALADIN, BUT THAT IS NO REASON TO GIVE ME THE GREEN EYE OF JEALOUSY, MY COCK-LOVING CAVALIER. BETWEEN US, TONIGHT WILL BE RELIGIOUS RAPTURE, FOR YOUR ANAL CLEFT SHALL BE MY GREAT SEA, AND I SHALL BE ITS MOSES, CLEAVING ITS MIGHTY CHOCOLATE OCEAN TO MAKE WAY FOR THE SAFE PASSAGE OF MY TESTICULAR TRIBE, HAVING BEEN GRANTED MEPHITIC FREEDOM FROM THE TYRANNY OF ENSLAVEMENT BEHIND A LOCKED PROSTATE. TO DO THIS, I WILL READY MY LONGIUS TO PIERCE YOUR BACKSIDE�S SACRED DOMAIN � YOU WILL SCREAM FIRST IN PAIN, THEN IN PASSION AS ITS STEEL-LADEN GIRTH STRETCHES AND RIPS THE FABRIC OF YOUR MORTAL INNARDS, DISIMBUING YOU OF YOUR CONSCIOUSNESS, LEADING YOU TO A HEAVEN, THEN REVIVING YOUR FEELING OF PHYSICAL REALITY LIKE A ONCE-CRUCIFIED JESUS RETURNING TO EARTH. I GUARANTEE IT. The Real Zimmer, Part IV HI, I'M GEORGE ZIMMER, FOUNDER AND CEO OF THE MEN'S WEARHOUSE. I AM AWARE OF THE MADE UP DECLARATIONS ABOUT ME THAT HAVE RECENTLY BEGUN TO APPEAR ON THE INTERNET AND IN EMAILS AS "GEORGE ZIMMER FACTS." I'VE SEEN SOME OF THEM. SOME ARE FUNNY. SOME ARE PRETTY FAR OUT. BEING MORE A STUDENT OF THE ESTENSIBLE ELEPHANTIC EVIRGINATOR THAT THE WILD WORLD OF THE INTERNET, I'M NOT QUITE SURE WHAT TO MAKE OF IT. IT'S QUITE SURPRISING. I GUARANTEE IT. I DO KNOW THAT CEOs WILL BE CEOs, AND I NEITHER TAKE OFFENSE NOR TAKE THIS THINGS TO SERIOUSLY. WHO KNOWS, MAYBE THIS MADE UP ONE-LINERS WILL PROMPT YOUNG PEOPLE TO SEEK OUT THE REAL FACTS ABOUT MY PUBIC PUNISHING PELVICATOR AS FOUND IN MY RECENT AUTOBIOGRAPHICAL BOOK, 'YOU'RE GOING TO LIKE THE WAY YOUR DING DONG DICKY LOOKS'? THEY MAY BE EVEN BE INTERESTED ENOUGH TO CHECK OUT MY NOVELS SET IN THE MEN'S WAREHOUSE, THE PELVIC RIDERS, RELEASED THIS MONTH. I'M VERY PROUD OF THESE EFFORTS. I GUARANTEE IT. Yellowstone HI, I'M GEORGE ZIMMER, CEO AND FOUNDER OF THE MEN'S WEARHOUSE. ONE LATE EVENING, AS I WAS YODELING INTO THE CAVERNOUS COOCH OF MY COHABITATION PARTNER, I HAD A BRIGHT IDEA - TO STROKE MY MASSIVE MANLY MEATSICLE OVER THE BURNING FORESTS OF YELLOWSTONE. FIRE SUPPRESANT MAY NOT STOP THE RAGING FLAMES, BUT MY COLLOSAL COCK CONGLOMERATE WOULD. DOUSING THE FLAMES IN GEORGE'S JOCKSTRAP JUICE WOULD CAUSE THE FLAMES TO IMMEDIATELY EXTINGUISH, LEAVING NOTHING BUT TREES AND SLICK SACK SAUCE WITHIN THE PINES. WHILE WOODLAND ANIMALS WOULD NOT SURVIVE THE TORRENTIAL RAINS OF MY SUPER SPOOGE SYRUP, THE FOREST RANGERS, IF FEMALE, WOULD BE VERY APPRECIATIVE. I GUARANTEE IT Dance Dance Revolution I, I'M GEORGE ZIMMER, FOUNDER AND CEO OF MEN'S WEARHOUSE. ON A RECENT BUSINESS TRIP TO TOKYO, I FOUND MYSELF IN A VIDEO ARCADE, WHERE ONE OF THE LOCAL TEENAGE BOYS WAS ATTEMPTING TO MAKE UP FOR HIS UNFATHOMABLY TINY TWAT TACKLE BY PLAYING "DANCE DANCE REVOLUTION" IN FRONT OF A GROUP OF JIGGLY-CHESTED JAPANESE JAILBAIT. SCOFFING AT HIS SCANDALOUSLY SIMPLISTIC SKILLS, I PROCEDED TO LIBERATE MY TWITCHING TESTICULAR TRUNCHEON AND SWING ITS PRECIPITOUS POUNDAGE INTO THE YOUTH'S FACE, CRUSHING HIS SKULL AND FREEING THE MACHINE. I THEN ACHIEVED A RATING OF "AAA" ON THE SONG "MAX 300" USING ONLY THE RAPID RIPPLING OF MY RAUCOUSLY RIGID RAPEROD. NEEDLESS TO SAY, THE WET-PANTIED WOMANLY WATCHERS WERE ALREADY IN THE THROES OF PASSION FROM THE OVERPOWERING SCENT OF MY TORPID TESTOSTERONE TUBE, SO I LET THEM GATHER 'ROUND FOR A GROUP HUG OF THE GARGANTUAN GIRTH OF MY GORGEOUS GUY-GIRDER BEFORE CONQUERING EACH OF THEIR QUIXOTICALLY QUIVERING QUIMS WITH A FURIOUS FOUNTAIN OF FROTHING FUCK-FOAM. MY HIGH SCORE HAS NEVER BEEN BEATEN. I GUARANTEE IT. Chuck Norris HI, I'M GEORGE ZIMMER, FOUNDER AND CEO OF THE MEN'S WEARHOUSE. I'D BEEN HEARING ALOT LATELY ABOUT THE MERITS OF THIS CHUCK NORRIS FELLOW, SO I THOUGHT I'D PAY HIM A VISIT- ZIMMER STYLE. AS I APPROACHED HIS HOUSE, I HEARD A TWIG SNAP BEHIND ME AND THEN OUT OF NOWHERE CAME THE LEG OF THE ONE AND ONLY CHUCK NORRIS. LUCKILY MY REFLEXES WERE TOO FAST FOR HIM. MY MASSIVE MASCULINE MEAT-PIPE BURST FORTH FROM MY FINELY-TAILORED TROUSERS, ENSNARING HIS LEG WITH THE POWER OF A THOUSAND ANACONDAS. HIS ONCE POWERFUL INSTRUMENT OF DEATH THUSLY DESTROYED, HE WAS COMPLETELY POWERLESS. I DECIDED THAT THAT UGLY MUG OF HIS WAS NOT UP TO ZIMMER STANDARDS, SO I DETERMINED TO DELIVER A MAKEOVER HE WOULDN'T SOON FORGET. HE BEGAN TO CRY LIKE A KITTEN UNDER A STEAMROLLER AS MY PULSATING PELVIC PILEDRIVER DELIVERED BLOW AFTER BLOW TO HIS EVER-SOFTENING SKULL. AS I FINISHED OFF MY FLESH-SCULPTURE, I REALIZED THAT I HAD FORMED HIS HEAD INTO THE SHAPE OF DEVIL'S TOWER. THE SHOCK CAUSED ME TO LET FORTH A FLOOD OF CAUSTIC COD CREME THAT BURNED OFF THAT RIDICULOUS STUBBLE HE CALLS A BEARD. HE'S UNCONCIOUS NOW, BUT HE'LL SOON WAKE UP. HE'S GONNA LIKE THE WAY HE LOOKS. I GUARANTEE IT. Mentally Handicapped McDonald's Employee HI, I'M GEORGE ZIMMER, FOUNDER AND CEO OF THE MEN'S WEARHOUSE. MANY YEARS AGO, A MENTALLY HANDICAPPED MCDONALDS EMPLOYEE PILFERED AN OUTRAGEOUSLY DAPPER SUIT FROM MY ILLUSTRIOUS STORE AND WRONGFULLY CLAIMED IT AS HIS OWN. INSULTED BY HIS DISHONESTY, MY MASSIVE MANHOOD MISSILE TORE OUT OF MY FRESHLY TAILORED PANTS, AND VICIOUSLY SLAMMED HIM INTO PAVEMENT, RATTLING HIS BONES AND SEVERING HIS FORESKIN. THE LOOKS OF INNOCENCE, ABJECT TERROR, AND PURE SADNESS IN HIS EYES EMOTIONALLY AND CHEMICALLY UNITED AND FORMED AN APHRODISIAC WHICH EMANATED FROM HIS VERY SOUL. AROUSED BY THIS DISPLAY AND WITH MY OBLITERATED PANTS LAID STREWN AROUND MY ANKLES, I CHARGED AT HIM WITH THE FEROCITY OF A FEMALE GRIZZLY BEAR PROTECTING ITS YOUNG. THE BEWILDERED YET FRIGHTENED LOOK THAT GRACED HIS TEAR-COVERED, DOWN'S SYNDROME-SHAPED FACE AS MY PULSATING POWER PUMP RUSHED TO MEET HIS FACE HAS CAUSED AND WILL CONTINUE TO CAUSE ME UPROARIOUS, RUMBLING LAUGHTER FOR MANY DECADES TO COME. SCARED AND HELPLESS, HE BEGAN TO WADDLE AWAY BUT ALAS, HIS EFFORTS WERE FUTILE. BEFORE HE COULD STUMBLE AWAY FROM MY GRASP, I CLOSED THE DISTANCE BETWEEN US WITH MY MASSIVE, MENACING MEMBER, AND HE SOON GOT A TASTE OF MY COLLOSSAL CUM CANNON AS IT SMASHED INTO HIS CRANIUM, WHICH WAS QUITE PUNY BY COMPARISON. THE FORCE OF MY CYCLOPEAN CUNT CLOBBERER SENT HIM HURTLING ACROSS THE ROOM, THROUGH SEVERAL DESKS, AND FINALLY CAUSED HIM TO SLAM HEADFIRST INTO A DISPLAY OF MY DELIGHTFULLY DAPPER SUITS. I VAULTED OVER TO HIM WITH THE HELP OF MY PULSATING PYTHON OF POON-POUNDING, AND THEN LIFTED HIM UP AND PINNED HIM AGAINST THE ORNATELY-DECORATED CEILING WITH THE HEAD OF MY CAREFULLY MANUEVERED CERVIX CRUSADER. AS I WATCHED ALL HOPE DISSAPPEAR FROM HIS GRIEF-STRICKEN FACE, I BESPATTERED HIM WITH A DELUGE OF MASTERFULLY SPREAD MANJUICE, DROWNING HIM IN MY RICH PROTEIN SHAKE AND CORRUPTING HIS SOUL. THE COPIOUS AMOUNT OF CORN SYRUP RUSHING FORTH FROM MY PULSATING, POWER-PACKED PLACENTA POKER QUICKLY FLOODED MY STORE AND RAISED THE EARTH'S SEA LEVEL BY APPROXIMATELY 10 PERCENT. BILLIONS OF PEOPLE GASPED FOR AIR AS THEY DROWNED IN LEGIONS OF MY STIFLINGLY SUBSTANTIAL SEED, AND MANY YEARS AFTER THIS INCIDENT, THE BODY OF THE MENTALLY HANDICAPPED MCDONALDS EMPLOYEE HAS NOT BEEN RECOVERED. I GUARANTEE IT. Virginity HI I�M GEORGE ZIMMER, FOUNDER AND CEO OF THE MEN�S WEARHOUSE. MY FIRST TIME WAS FANTASTIC. A YOUNG GIRL WAS SUMMONED TO MY PRIVATE CHAMBERS, DEEMED WORTHY TO BE THE FIRST CONQUEST OF THE NEW ZIMMER HEIR. I REACHED MY FULL RAGING HEIGHT WITHIN SECONDS AS BLOOD FLOODED INTO MY FEMUR-SIZED FLOOR BREAKER. THE HALF TERRIFIED GIRL QUIVERED WITH ANTICIPATION AS I SHED MY SUIT, THE PINACLE OF TAILORING TRIUMPH. BEFORE SHE COULD SCREAM WITH FEAR OR DELIGHT, I HAD ALREADY MANUEVERED WAIST DEEP INTO HER AS YET UNTOUCHED FEMININE FLOWER. I PLOWED HER PASSION PERSIMMON WITH THE INTENSITY OF A MASSIVE BULL STALLION. SHE WAS HELPLESS TO RESIST THE SUCCESSIVE WAVES OF INSEMINATING SENSUAL EXCTASY THAT EMANATED FROM MY MASSIVE MAN-CANNON. MY DEVASTING DAMSEL DESTROYER DEFTLY FILLED THE FULL LENGTH OF HER VAGINAL CAVITY. AFTER THIRTY TWO CONSECUTIVE HOURS OF PURE PUSSY POUNDING, I PROCEEDED TO PUMMEL HER POOPER WITH MY PATENTED PURE� OF POTENT PROGENY-MAKERS. THE WENCH WAS UNABLE TO WALK FOR WEEKS AFTER BEING SUBJECTED TO MY UNSTOPPABLE UNDERGARMENT DESTROYER. APPROACHING THE THIRD DAY OF RELENTLESS RAIDING OF HER WET WOMANHOOD, I FINALLY GAVE IN TO HER PLEAS FOR PAUSE. AS SHE ROSE TO LEAVE MY ROOM, I WHIPPED MY PRIME CUT OF POWERFUL POLE-MEAT ACROSS THE ROOM, AND FILLED HER WITH ENOUGH SEMEN TO GIVE HER A LIFETIME ZIMMER EXPERIENCE. THAT WOMAN WAS YOUR MOTHER. I GUARANTEE IT. The Real Zimmer, Part Five HI, I'M THE REAL GEORGE ZIMMER, FOUNDER AND CEO OF THE MEN'S WAREHOUSE. I AM ONE HUNDRED PERCENT COMMITTED TO SHOWING ASPIRING ZIMMERS SUCH AS THE ORIGINAL POSTER THE TOOLS OF THE TRADE. WITH MY PROVEN CRASH COURSE, HE'LL LEARN VOLUMES OF PAINFULLY ENFORCED KNOWLEDGE AS I CLUTCH 800 SOLID INCHES OF AUTHORITY INTO HIS TIGHTLY KNIT ASSHOLE. HE'LL GRADUATE AT THE TOP OF HIS CLASS WHILE I WEAVE A FINELY TAILORED 3-BUTTON ONE PIECE BUSINESS SUIT OUT OF HIS NUBILE, VIRGIN NETHER REGIONS. YOU TOO, CAN BE A ZIMMER. I GUARANTEE IT. Mrs. Zimmer HI, I'M GEORGE ZIMMER, CEO AND FOUNDER OF THE MEN'S WEARHOUSE. ONE DAY I WAS AT HOME, HELPING MY WIFE TO A HANDSOME HELPING OF MY HAIRY HOT DOG. AS SHE SQUIRMED BENEATH MY GENEROUS GIRTH, I NOTICED A FAMILIAR IMAGE ON THE TV - ME. AS I LEANED TOWARD THE TELEVISION, THE IMAGE OF MY DAPPER SUIT CAUSED MY LUSCIOUS LOINS TO PUMP INTO OVERDRIVE. I SMASHED INTO MY WIFE'S VAGINA LIKE TED KENNEDY OFF A PIER, AND SOON FOUND MYSELF REACHING ORGASM TO MY HANDSOME VOICE. I SHOT FORTH A GARGANTUAN GOURD OF GODLIKE GROUPINGS, SPLATTERING MY WIFE IN MORE EGG WHITE THAN A CHINESE COOK'S HANDS. I GUARANTEE IT. Supermarket HI, I'M GEORGE ZIMMER, FOUNDER AND CEO OF THE MEN'S WAREHOUSE. YESTERDAY I WAS STROLLING IN THE SUPERMARKET WHEN A FLIRTATIOUSLY FUCKABLE FEMALE CAUGHT A GLIMPSE OF THE BURLY BULGE IN MY BOXERS. AS SHE INTRODUCED HERSELF I ALREADY HAD HER HEAVENLY HOMOLOGOUS HIPS PINNED TO THE WALL WITH MY LIMBER LOCOMOTIVE OF LIBIDO. SHE MOANED WHILE MY SUMPTUOUS SEXY SERPENTINE SEMEN-SYRINGE VICIOUSLY VIOLATED HER VAGINA AFTER ASSAULTING AN ARRAY OF HER ORIFICES. WHEN I RETIRED FROM RAVAGING HER RAVENOUS RAVINES OF REPRODUCTION I PUMPED PINT AFTER PINT OF PALE PENIS-PUDDING DEEP INSIDE HER CAVERNOUS CUM-CRATER. SHE CAME SO HARD, THE STORE IS STILL FULL OF WET FLOOR SIGNS. I GUARANTEE IT. Miniskirt HI, I'M GEORGE ZIMMER, FOUNDER AND CEO OF THE MEN'S WAREHOUSE. ONE FINE DAY AS I WAS WALKING DOWN THE STREET I SPIED A WOMAN IN A MINISKIRT THAT WAS BENDING DOWN TO GET A NEWSPAPER. AS SHE DID I HAD A PERFECT ANGLE AT THOSE ROUND, WHITE, BEAUTIFUL, DAZZLING, FIRM ASS CHEEKS. IT WAS AT ABOUT THIS POINT THAT WHAT ONCE WAS A FLACCID APPENDAGE BETWIXT MY LEGS BECAME A QUIVERING YET RIGID BATON GENERATING ENOUGH HEAT THAT THE GRASS AROUND ME TURNED BROWN AND BURST INTO FLAMES. THE CHEAP VINYL PANELING MELTED ONTO ITSELF LIKE A 3RD DEGREE BURN. BEFORE SHE COULD GET AWAY I RAMMED MY SHILLELAGH INTO UNDULATING, PULSATING, CUNT ONLY FOR HER TO SPRAY MY CUDGEL DOWN WITH GALLONS OF HER GOODY-GOODY-PUSSY-GOO. WHEN IT WAS MY TURN TO SHOOT THE SHERBERT I THREW HER TO THE GROUND AND CAME ON HER BACK SO HARD IT SLID HER TWENTY FEET DOWN THE SIDEWALK AND WITH SUCH A VELOCITY THAT IT HAD THE EFFECT OF SANDBLASTING THE CONCRETE CLEAN OF DOGSHIT AND BUBBLE GUM. THE SCENT OF IT COULD BE SMELLED FOUR BLOCKS AWAY AND ANYONE WHO INHALED WAS INSTANTLY CURED OF ANY SINUS INFECTIONS THEY HAD. I GUARANTEE IT. Sexcapades HI, I'M GEORGE ZIMMER, FOUNDER AND CEO OF THE MEN'S WEARHOUSE. I COME BEARING YOU YET ANOTHER STORY OF SEXUAL ESCAPADES, TO BE FROM NOW ON KNOWN AS "SEXCAPADES" OF ME AND MY GOLDEN GARGANTUAN GASH GRINDER. THE STORY STARTS ABOUT THREE WEEKS TUESDAY AGO, I WAS CALMLY STROLLING THE CITY JUST OUTSIDE OF THE PARK, WHEN IN THE CORNER OF MY EYE I SAW A MOTHER BREAST FEEDING HER CHILD. NATURALLY WHEN I SEE A SIGHT I TURN THE OTHER CHEEK AND LET IT BE, BUT THIS, THIS WOMAN, I COULD NOT ALLOW THAT PRE-PLOWED PINK PLEASURE-HOLE TO BE TORTURED ANY LONGER, I FLEXED MY MIGHTY MAN MEAT MAULER SO IT'D RIP RIGHT THROUGH MY BRAND NEW SUIT PANTS AND AS MY TEN-TONNE TENTANOUS TORPEDO QUICKLY HASTENED TOWARDS HER BABY CANNON THERE WAS A BRIEF MOMENT OF SHOCK, AWE, FEAR, AND GRANDEUR. SHE HURLED THE BABY AWAY AND SPREAD WIDE HER LEGS FOR DOCKING, IT WAS MERE MINUTES BEFORE MY FLOPPING FLESH FLOUNDER LET LOOSE A GEYSER OF CONTINUOUS CORPULENT CHILD COCKTAIL. I THEN LEFT HER IN THE PARK COVERED, SHE STARTED SOBBING BECAUSE SHE KNOWS SO WELL SHE'LL NEVER GET THE EXPERIENCE AGAIN. I GUARANTEE IT. bel air HI, I'M GEORGE ZIMMER, FOUNDER AND CEO OF THE MEN'S WAREHOUSE NOW THIS IS THE STORY ALL ABOUT HOW EVERY PERSON IN THIS WORLD CAN�T RESIST MY PLOW AND I�D LIKE TO TAKE A MINUTE TO TALK ABOUT MY KIT YOU�LL LIKE THE WAY IT LOOKS�I GUARANTEE IT IN NEW YORK CITY, BORN AND RAISED POLISHING MY PISTOL�S HOW I SPENT MY DAYS FINGERING, TINKERING, TOUCHING UP MY TOOL CLEANING IT AND MAKING ALL THE LOVELY LADIES DROOL WHEN SUPERMAN FELL FROM THE SKIES ABOVE, SAID, �I CAN PWN YOUR PURPLE-HELMETED WARRIOR OF LOVE�. SO I GAVE HIM A TASTE OF MY PILE-DRIVING PLEXUS AND REALIZED, �I SHOULD MAKE MEN�S SUITS IN TEXAS�. I HAILED FOR A CAB AND WHEN IT CAME NEAR IT HAD A STICKER THAT SAID �OBJECTS SMALLER IN MIRROR�. SAID I TO THE CABBIE �I CAN PROVE THAT WRONG!� SO I SHOWED THE GOOD SIR MY SIZEABLE SCHLONG IT VERILY WAS A SIGHT THAT HE JUST COULDN�T QUIT AND THAT�S WHEN I FIRST PROCLAIMED, �I GUARANTEE IT!� I PULLED UP TO MY MANSION WITH A TRUCK OF WOMEN AND GAVE THEM ALL A TASTE OF MY OMNIPOTENT SEMEN LOOKED AT MY KINGDOM AND KNEW I WOULD FIT AND THAT�S HOW I CAME TO SAY, �I GUARANTEE IT�. mancano

Zynga DD $ZNGA

I played another 18 new games (to me) during Q3. Here's another 18 mini reviews.

Hi, I'm back again for another round of new games (to me) that I've played during the third quarter of the year. This time I managed to play 18 new games, so here's my mini reviews of these games. Of course, some plays are very limited so it's really only my opinions. And I won't write what the games are about, please see BGG for descriptions.
Here's my post for Q1: https://old.reddit.com/boardgames/comments/b82p2a/ive_played_20_new_to_me_games_so_far_this_yea And for Q2: https://old.reddit.com/boardgames/comments/c8762b/i_played_another_10_new_games_to_me_during_q2/
A Fake Artist Goes to New York (2012) (2 plays, 2x10p) I got this as a gift and played during my bachelor party, I'm not very good at drawing so I was a little sceptical at first. But I was really wrong as you're only drawing a line at a time, your drawing skills really didn't matter (that much). I had a great time with this, it was wonderful. When you only can draw one line, everyone seems to be the fake artist as you go "what the hell is this?" when you get a totally different drawing passed your way. I will say that 10 players is way too much as the fake artist had no problem blending in, I'm gonna try this soon again with around 6 players, think that might be better. Still think that it might be something you play twice, and then move on to something else as it's kind of the same each time. 6 or 7/10.
more dude (2018) (2 plays, 2x5p) Another game I got as a gift, and played, during my bachelor party. This is a strange one, this is so stupid, and if you would ask me to play it now when I'm sober I would refuse, and even if you forced me I'd give it a 2 or 3 out of 10. Get me drunk, and this is hilarious. It's so stupid it's fun, shouting "dude" in different voices as you try to match with someone else. Drunk me would give this a 10/10... (no not really). But don't play this where you can disturb others, it's awful to listen to if you're not playing. But I have to compare this to Happy Salmon which I think is a superior game. I think it's much smarter, it's over in less than a minute, and no one can really cheat. After a while I felt that people started to gesture instead of actually changing their voices properly. I have both now, and both will stay in the collection a while. But if one of them leaves, it's gonna be more dude.
Professor Evil and the Citadel of Time (2017) (2 plays, 2x4p) I'm adding more co-ops to my collection as my wife likes those the best and I heard about this game on the Secret Cabal podcast which got me interested. Then it popped up on sale so I grabbed it. Well, I know why it was on sale. We played twice, and the first time we were so unlucky with our dice rolls that we lost in just a few turns, the next game we were so lucky instead that it really wasn't a challenge at all. It kind of felt pointless, there wasn't really much we could do about what happened. I liked the artwork a lot though, and the theme was nice, but way too random. I might try it again though, or perhaps with kids, might better suit them. 4/10.
Set a Watch (2019) (2 plays, 2x2p) I had really hoped to play this more before this quarter came to an end. I backed this on Kickstarter to have another co-op to play with my wife and this looked really up our alley. And boy was it, she absolutely loved it and has talked about it several times. But we played it wrong which made it really hard, anytime you use a special action you need to turn your card up side down, which means one less health. We did this even if we put a die on it, which apparently you don't need to do. I watched a video were Jamey Stegmaier talked about the game, and he mentioned the thing with the die and it became much clearer why people called the game "easy". We wouldn't even make it half through. This is all because the rulebook is awful, the text is too big, there's not enough pictures, and it's really hard to find what you are looking for. It's just bad. Besides that, the game is really great. If you like co-ops you should pick it up. But, I would recommend this for maximum two players. You always need to control 4 characters, and 1 character needs to stay and "watch the fire" which isn't as fun as killing bad guys. At 4 players, someone needs to stay behind, at 3 players someone's gonna play two characters, but at 2 you both have 2 characters. I haven't tried this solo yet. 8/10.
Dobble or Spot it (2009) (4 plays, 4x6p) This game is called Dobble where I am, but apparently called Spot it in the US(?). We played a UNO-esque version where you needed to get rid of all your cards by matching the symbols. You know, it's fine, it's a game, let's play it if there's nothing else to do. It was a little bit too stressful for me though. 4/10.
Welcome to... (2018) (2 plays, 1x2p, 1x4p) Roll and Writes is the new thing for me, though this is a flip and write I guess. I like crossing out stuff, drawing lines, and making combos on my own piece of paper. I like that you can easily carry it with you, so you could practically play whenever you want. Welcome to... is really good! First of all, you play at the same time which makes the game really fast. Placing house numbers and then using the special action is really satisfying, and crossing your fingers that just the right number will appear next is thrilling. My wife did not like this however which is a shame, because I like it. It's not wonderful, it's not ground breaking, but I had a really good time with this. It's gonna stay in the collection a while, I'm gonna laminate a few sheets, easier to change if you make a mistake and it'll last longer. Probably a 7/10.
Awkward Guests (2016) (1 play, 1x3p) Another Kickstarter, and the English version is from 2019. This is a deduction game similar to Clue, you'll need to find the murderer, the weapon and the motive, but this is so much smarter. It's a brilliant system finding out the clues, and you'll need to be cleverer than just asking for a card that you don't have. Each turn you'll ask for clues from the other players, each player presents you with a few cards but you can choose who you take the clues from. Perhaps Billy over there doesn't really have any new information, what did he give you last time? is he just gonna give you the cards you gave to him? Go watch the Dice Tower review of this, you'll get a better sense of how the game plays. I'm just gonna say that I love it, even after just one play, even after that we accidentally added a card that was not supposed to be there which made us very confused and the game took us nearly 2 hours to complete. We're gonna play it again on Saturday, and we'll be much quicker then, perhaps add a timer so people don't think too long. I'm not gonna give this a 10 after just one play, but perhaps after I've played it some more. 8 or 9/10 right now though.
Bargain Quest (2017) (1 play, 1x6p) It's another Kickstarter! I'm gonna start out with: Don't play this with 6 players. Even if you draft at the same time, everything else takes too long. I wasn't too fond of my first play with this, I mean it's ok, but it's not ground breaking by any sort. It's quite interesting though, as time dragged on and I got impatient, everyone else really liked the game, it really surprised me as most of my friends doesn't like it when it's too long. But the next day, they said they wanted to play it again. My wife liked it too, though she doesn't like too much randomness, and before your hero attacks you draw an "adventure card" which might boost your hero, or really hinder your hero. She HATED that. Still wanted to try it again. Which we will, but perhaps with 4 players. I'm gonna go with a 6/10 for now.
Don't Get Got (2018) (1 play, 1x2p) Like The Mind people will argue if this really is a game, or is it an activity? Perhaps it's both? It's really a quite nice one, which ever it is. I saw a video from u/jonpurkis, or "Actualol", that got me interested in this and I found it cheap through an online retailer so I decided to try it out. It doesn't have a play time as it could last for several days, each player gets 6 missions that they need to finish, all of them has to do with making other people do stuff, or not notice that you've done something. First to finish all three of these missions wins. I played this with my wife during our vacation, first few days you were really on your guard but we both managed to fool each other once, but it didn't finish until we got home. We're sitting in our couch watching a movie, wife has prepared some snack and we each got our separate bowl. I eat some chips, then when I take another hand of chips, there's a mission card in there. I did not see that coming and wife won with that. Really fun, I can recommend this for shorter trips or get-togethers. 7/10.
Keyforge: Age of Ascension (2019) (1 play, 1x2p) I needed a new game for my wife and I to play as I have destroyed Star Realms for us, and I've heard that this was the new thing. Excited about the unique decks, what to expect, and perhaps a new game for us to bond over, we were both really disappointed. It took us about 1 hour to play as we both had to read cards, checking rules, being confused, and playing cards that just destroyed the other's work instead of helping yourself. In the end, wife won and we felt like we both lost. Perhaps I'm turning more and more into a care bear, I really don't like when someone destroys what I just did, it's like skipping a turn and that's something I really hate. I know that our one play is tainted by that we were mostly confused over what to do, and really didn't have any strategy to speak of, so I'm gonna try and convince my wife to give it another try, someday, when we have forgot how boring it was. People love this, and I wanna know why. But right now, it's around 3 or 4/10 for me. ^sorry
Mi Tierra: New Era (2016) (1 play, 1x2p) So my friend has this game and really wanted to play it, he set it up in advance, read up on the rules, and was ready for me when I arrived. But the rules were so poorly written that there was so many things that we didn't know how it worked, there was not many examples, so we had to guess. The game itself started out fine, but each round you draw a card that gives all the players something good or something bad. The first two turns we had a worker less than normal, which really halted the whole game. We kept struggling to do all the things the game wanted you to do, and in the end just had to give up certain aspects of the game. I know some games you just have to focus on a few things and accept that you'll get minus from some things, but this wasn't the case here. It felt like you were supposed to do all the stuff, you could even get extra points if you managed it, but there wasn't enough time or resources for that. Perhaps I need to play it again, but I don't want to. The game felt like it need more players, and being the start player was really powerful. I don't care for this game. 5/10.
Near and Far (2017) (1 play, 1x2p) Another game I really need to play more, we had a great first time playing this, reading the stories, trying to finish our quest goals. This was a great substitute to Tales of the Arabian Nights which I sold a few days later, no point having that game when I had a superior game. We both felt though that perhaps we needed another player or two. We were really never in the way of each other, so it kind of felt like a solitaire game. Just that the stories were read to each other. It feels like this could be a great game for me and my group. Need to play more. 7 right now, might be 8/10, or even 9 one day. We'll see.
Power Grid (2004) (1 play, 1x4p) I have actively avoided this game as people has said that it's "Math - the game", and I hate math. But I've also heard that it's a superb game that you need to play! So I've now played it, and it's indeed "Math - the game", and it's indeed a superb game, and if you haven't played it you should try it soon. The way the action works is brilliant, the way you place your power stations is brilliant, the way you power your cities is brilliant, the way you buy resources is brilliant. What's not brilliant is how much counting you need to do during your and everyone else's turns. Each turn is just too long as everyone's counting... "so if I'll add that, that'll be 38, but then I can't afford that, so I'll just take one of those, so then I have 24. Wait I have less than I thought, I need to start over". It was like this for everyone. After the game I suggested that we play with calculators next time to speed things up, but another guy said that was cheating. I guess? I don't know what the rules says but lowering the play time is a good thing I think. Love the one play I have of this though. 8/10.
Thieves Den (2019) (1 play, 1x2p) This was an interesting game, interesting as in "I don't want to play it again". No, that's harsh, it's not that bad. But I surely don't want to play it with just two players again. At the start of the game, you get a mission that'll give you points in the end. You'll need to collect certain symbols, and these are secret to other players. One of my symbols never showed up during the game. FUN! Then there were too many take that cards. FUN! But one thing that was really interesting was the lack of resources. There were a limited amount each round, and if I used some of it, it was gone for the rest of the round. That was quite cleverly designed. Too bad the rest was meh. 4/10.
Ubongo (2003) (1 play, 1x3p) Played this at a friend's house, his girlfriend suggested that we play this and I'm always up for new games. My friend said that he refused to play Ubongo with his girlfriend again, so it was just me, my wife and the friend's girlfriend. She crushed us! She was so fast at laying these puzzles that she always chose gems first. I do like these kind of puzzles, but having someone being that much faster than you is quite demoralizing ;) It was an ok game though, we had a good laugh about it. But one thing I'm gonna complain about is the color of the gems. I'm not colorblind so I usually don't have any trouble distinguishing different pieces in games, but in this the clear gem and the light blue gem was so similar that I thought I was doing quite well when I was instead collecting two different colors. Don't want this in my collection, nor do I feel the need to play it again. It's ok, and I could play it if someone really wanted to, but just once. 4/10.
Victorian Masterminds (2019) (1 play, 1x3p) Played this at a convention with two random dudes. The production quality in this game is insane, the cog wheel poker chips are really nice to hold and play with, the building miniatures have nice details, there's even scientist miniatures that could easily have been just cardboard tokens. But apparently they stopped with the quality when they made the bolt and copper tokens, they are so small and they look really cheap in comparison to everything else in the game. The game then? It was actually quite nice, the action selection and how you resolved the stack of agents (poker chips) was really nice, and it was a chase to either build your machine first or if the secret service needle reaches the end, that triggers the end game. The guy who owned it said that it was always the secret service that triggered the end game, but for us it was that one machine got built. Anyhoo, I enjoyed this game, I enjoyed the feel it had, even if one of the actions that you could do was mean it was THAT mean. I still don't need this game, too similar in weight and play time to other games I have that I like more, and it might just be too expensive for what it is. But I'll play it if someone invites me. 7/10.
My First Carcassonne (2009) (2 plays, 1x4p, 1x2p) Some of my friend's kids are turning in to the age where they have more interest in games than just fiddling with the pieces so I got this game for my friend's child's 6th birthday. First we played it with the 6 year old, the 3 year old and two adults. The 6 year old grasped the game right away and she had a great time playing, the 3 year old needed a lot of guidance though but still had fun, he didn't like that his older sister won though. Us adult had a good time too, it's quite a nice game to play with kids, and it's challenging for them but still fun for adults. Would recommend.
Bamse gympaspel (2016) (1 play, 1x3p) So another kids' game, though it's more of an activity for kids to learn to move their body. My friend's 3 year old love this though and likes to play it a lot. I don't even know why I have it on here? :) As a game, it's actually who is the luckiest with the die roll as you try to collect all the colors. But that's not the point of the game.
That's it for the third quarter. I'll be back in January for the last quarter, and perhaps I'll name my favourite of the year :)
Short updates on games I wrote about in Q1 and Q2 that I've played more Castles of Caladale, played another 2 times with my wife. She just loved the puzzle of building your castle, with being able to move the tiles as you want and no time restraint she won easily each time. Still a 4 for me though. Let's make a Bus Route is still really lovely. Played another 4 times and everyone I've played it with has loved it. Short, simple, fun and great. I'll lower it from 9 to a 8/10 though. Herbacous Sprouts Tried the solo variant twice, lost once, won once. It's quite nicely designed, and the theme speaks to me. It's a small box so I might carry it with me if I go travel someday. It's now a 7/10. LotR: Journeys in Middle-Earth Played two more scenarios with my wife and we enjoy it a lot. I will still compare it to Mansions of Madness though, and MoM is a much better game. Last time I said that the deck of cards instead of dice was a really nice touch, but I also think that the deck can be a little demoralizing. Once all your success card has come out, you know that you'll fail the next test, and you go "what's the point", in MoM the dice can give you a slim chance, in JiME it's impossible. Still like the game, and I guess we have to get better at not ending up in those positions. Still 8/10. Wingspan One more play with 3 players. It's fine, it's ok, it's nothing special. Except the birds, the art, the tokens, the dice, it's really pretty to look at. I want to play it again, but after each time it's been like... ok I guess? 6/10. Surburbia So glad I got to play this again, fucking love it. Played it with my wife, she thought it was just ok, and apparently I don't need it, lol. Used copies are being sold everywhere now as people are waiting for the collector's edition, I want that too. But it's better to play my friend's copy, it would just gather dust at home. Quacks of Quedlingburg Played it another 2 times, so a total of 8 this year, one play was with the new expansion. This game is great, I've ordered the geek bits for this, a birthday present for myself ;) 8/10. Space Base Just one more play since last time. Hard to get to the table now that my wife has declared it "worst game ever", but I still like it. Wife's brother and his wife lives with us for a while until they can move in to their new home, which has been great as they really want to try different games, and I got to play this with them. This time we tried the fast variant, and that's the way I'll play it in the future. Still 8/10.
Thanks for reading this far!

Events for Fri 11/8 - Sun 11/10

Friendly reminder that this weekend includes some very large events (EDC Orlando, Veteran's Day parade) that will increase and worsen traffic and parking and may also involve road closures, so please be careful out there. Carpool with friends and family, take an Uber or Lyft, Sunrail or Lynx bus.
All weekend (Fri 11/8 - Sun 11/10):
43rd Maitland Rotary Art Festival; Lake Lilly Park, 701 Lake Lily Drive, Maitland, Florida 32751; The Maitland Rotary Art Festival has been entertaining Central Florida residents and visitors since 1976. Although hosted annually by the Rotary Club of Maitland, Florida, the event has evolved into a community celebration of the arts. The many public and private partnerships make it possible for Maitland Rotarians to showcase our community. The Maitland Rotary Art Festival Inc. is a not-for-profit501(c)3 organization that raises funds for the charitable activities of the Rotary Club of Maitland.
Annunciation Fall Festival; Annunciation Catholic Church, 1020 Montgomery Rd, Altamonte Springs, Florida 32714; Live entertainment, rides and games, festival food favorites, crafts, live and silent auction and raffle! Free admission and free park and ride.
Free Admission for Veterans/First Responders, Nov. 9-10; Orange County Regional History Center, 65 E Central Blvd, Orlando, Florida 32801; The Orange County Regional History Center invites veterans, active-duty military personnel, and first responders to visit the museum for free on the weekend of November 9-10, 2019, in honor of Veterans Day. The route of the 20th annual City of Orlando Veterans Day Parade travels just south of Heritage Square adjacent to the History Center on Saturday, November 9, 2019, 11 a.m. - 1 p.m. Honoring the courageous men and women of the armed forces who have fought for our nation’s freedoms, the parade will feature marching bands, ROTC units, active duty military, decorative floats, and veterans groups from all military branches representing a wide variety of conflicts. Learn more here: http://www.cityoforlando.net/veteransparade/
Fri 11/8
4p - 6:30p: Longwood Chili Cook Off; City of Longwood City Hall, 175 W Warren Ave, Longwood, Florida 32750; In conjunction with the monthly Longwood Car Show. The "Chili Cook Off " is a fundraiser that supports Parks & Recreation programming here in the City of Longwood and is hosted by volunteer Parks & Recreation Advisory Board Members. Chili Cookers Wanted!! All compete for cash $$$$ prize and trophies. Chili Cookers WANTED !!! Contact 407-260-3497 or email [[email protected]](mailto:[email protected]). Compete for CASH prizes. *Entry fee individuals is $25* **Entry fee for businesses is $75**
5p - 11p: College Park JazzFest 2019; College Park Main Street, 648 Dartmouth Street, 32804; College Park Main Street will host the 18th annual College Park JazzFest on Saturday November 9, 2019 from 5-11pm. The community’s flagship street festival along Edgewater Drive will feature 12 bands on three stages performing jazz, rock, R&B and more. College Park JazzFest will feature a vibrant street party atmosphere with diverse food trucks, vendors, and the local shops and restaurants open onto Edgewater Drive between Smith Street and Clayton Street.
Bands featured at College Park JazzFest 2019 include:
• Jackie Jones
• Ramona the Band
• The 8th Note Collective
• Dave Capp Project
• John Korbel
• Gerry Williams Band
• Brown Bag Brass Band
• Sideshow Revival
• Legendary JCs
• Lauren Lester
• The Lawbreakers
• Tarpon Springs Jazz Ensemble (a Dr. Phillips Center Essentially Ellington High School Jazz Band)
5p - 12a: 70's Cosplay Party in VAULT 5421; Gods & Monsters, 5421 International Dr, Orlando, Florida 32819; Join us Saturday, November 9th, for 70's Homage Night in Vault 5421! FREE EVENT! To celebrate the new movie release of Charlie's Angels, we're hopping in the time machine and playing the classic 70's series and other 70's movies and shows on our big screens throughout the bar, with far out tunes playing, themed cocktails & Cosplay Cage-Dancing! Come in your best 70's cosplay or attire to receive 1 FREE SHOT or soda! (Just mention your attire, at the bar, for your FREE shot or soda.) Come early to enjoy our Happy Hours 5-8pm, featuring 20% OFF ALL DRINKS, including the special themed drink and shot created for the event! (Please note our store Gods & Monsters is All-Ages friendly, but our bar VAULT 5421 is 18+ to enter and 21+ with valid ID to purchase alcoholic beverages.)
6p - 8p: Fall Festival; UCUMC - University Carillon UMC, 1395 Campus View Ct, Oviedo, Florida 32765; All-things-fall coming together in one place: Fall Festival! While fall weather isn’t guaranteed, the fun is! We’ll be outside under the lights on University Carillon’s field with food, fall desserts, apple cider, festival games and live music! There’s fun ready for everyone—pumpkin games for the kids, football skills challenge for anyone brave enough, crafts for all ages, petting farm and more. Best of all, it’s FREE! Bring some friends and family and enjoy everything fall!
6p - 9p: Casselberry Food Truck Night; Lake Concord, 127 Quail Pond Circle, Casselberry, Florida 32707; Casselberry locals park at the Target Casselberry, are escorted across 17-92 by police officers, walk to the lovely lush Lake Concord Park covered with oaks behind City Hall, buy dinner from the food trucks, then listen to live music and shop local art. To see which trucks are coming Go to letsgetbazaar.com and click on Truck Schedule. Free admission. Free parking.
6p - 9:30p: Movie Night at Adventure Lake: Spider-Man Far From Home; Nona Adventure Park, 14086 Centerline Drive, Orlando, Florida 32827; Sponsored by F45 Training Nona, this is a FREE event to the community from 6-9:30 p.m. • The movie will begin at 6:30 p.m. • A popcorn + soda combo will be available for $4 (FREE to Nona Adventure Park Members)! • Splashes Bistro will be open until 9:30 p.m. for dinner, snacks, drinks, wine, beer, sodas, lemonades, and water. • Featured Film: SPIDER-MAN FAR FROM HOME • Feel free to bring pillows, blankets, etc. - this will be held under the pavilion near Splashes & the Pro Shop.
6p - 12a: 2019 Give Hope & Hold ‘Em Poker Tournament and Casino Night; Orlando Science Center, 777 E Princeton St, Orlando, Florida 32803; Come join us for a fun and classy event designed to bring Las Vegas to Orlando! Enjoy professionally-managed Texas Hold 'Em Poker, Blackjack, Roulette, Fine Catering, and Raffle Giveaways! A night out like no other in Orlando - All for a great cause! Whether you play poker or not, this is an evening for all! Tickets and more information can be found on our website https://givehopefoundation.org/Orlando-Charity-Poker-Tournament.php
Sat 11/9
9a - 4p: Great Day in the Country 2019; Oviedo on the Park, 321 E Mitchell Hammock Rd, Oviedo, Florida 32765; The 46th Annual Great Day in the Country Arts & Crafts Festival is produced by the GFWC Oviedo Woman's Club. The Festival is FREE to attendees. See greatdayoviedo.org This year over 350 arts and crafts vendors will be displaying and selling items that are perfect for gifts or your own home. Vist our food and beecraft beer vendors in either of two Food Courts (east and west). Enjoy music and local acts which will range from jazz to rock and roll. The Oviedo Woman's Club's famous Bean Soup will be exclusively available only at the festival. Great Day in the Country 2019 will mark the 25th year of the Student Art Fest, with work from art students in our local schools. The art will be on display and awards in excess of $2K will be presented to students during the Opening Ceremonies. Great Day in the Country is the GFWC Oviedo Woman's Club's major fundraiser. Over the past nine years, the club has awarded over $600,000 for scholarships, school grants, and charitable organizations. Last year, over 30,000 people attended the event. Free parking is available nearby and shuttles buses will take people to and from those lots.
12p - 4p: Bunny Cafe at The Nook; The Nook on Robinson, 2432 E. Robinson St, Orlando, Florida 32803; Come meet and pet our adorable furry friends while learning what it takes to give them loving and healthy indoor homes. Volunteers will be on hand to answer all your questions about feeding, housing, and connecting with these wonderful animals. ADMISSION IS FREE. The rabbits will be housed inside the bar for their safety and comfort while patron seating will be outside with tables and tents. There will be food available for purchase with La Empanada Food Truck and The Veggie Cart, and alcoholic and non-alcoholic drinks from The Nook and Framework Coffee. Learning activities will happen outside along with a prize raffle benefiting ORCA as well. Guest time with rabbits will be in 15-minute increments from 12 – 4PM with a maximum of 15 guests per time slot. Sign up will be first come first serve outside the bar. Patrons should check in at least 5 minutes before their assigned time slot, so they don't miss their turn. ORCA’s goals with this event are to educate the public and to ensure we can continue our mission to rescue and re-home abandoned or distressed rabbits and provide them quality medical care by raising donations.
FOOD: La Empanada Food Truck, The Veggie Cart; DRINK: The Nook on Robinson, Framework Craft Coffee Bar; ART: https://www.instagram.com/sarahroz/
1:30p - 4p: Outdoor Family Concert sponsored by Dr. Phillips Charities; Seneff Arts Plaza - Downtown Orlando, 445 S Magnolia Ave., Orlando, Florida 32801; Join the Orlando Philharmonic Orchestra for this annual free Outdoor Family Concert in memory of Della Phillips sponsored by Dr. Phillips Charities. Enjoy Dr. Seuss family classics The Sneetches and Green Eggs & Ham with beautiful music performed by the orchestra with live narration on Saturday, November 9 at 3 p.m. at Seneff Arts Plaza at the Dr. Phillips Center for the Performing Arts. Also at the concert will be food trucks and family-friendly activities with an instrument petting zoo beginning at 1:30 p.m. Event sponsored by Dr. Phillips Charities. This Saturday at 1:30 p.m. prior to the concert, don't miss family-friendly activities and delicious food from the following food trucks: Up In Smoke BBQ, Orlando Fat One's Hot Dogs & Italian Ice, SMAC Food Truck, Sugar Rush Marshmallows, Tacos Mazatlan, Rubios Baja Grill (\*to clarify, food starts at 1:30p and concert starts at 3p**)*
4p - 8p: Lake Nona Town Harvest; Crescent Park in Laureate Park, 8374 Upper Perse Cir, Orlando, Florida 32827; Bring out the whole family to enjoy a festive evening of entertainment featuring top 40 cover band Stereo FM, scarecrow stilt walkers, acrobatic surprises, and more! Oversized tractors, hay bales, and pumpkins create the perfect cozy photo op. Enjoy delicious treats from food trucks Bloque 45, It's All Greek to Me, Guacamole Co., Absofruitly US, Avofuel, a beer garden, and a large Kid's Zone sponsored by Laureate Insurance Partners for toddlers to teens! We look forward to you joining us for the first Lake Nona Town Harvest!
5p - 12a: Warriors Of Light: A Final Fantasy Tribute; The Abbey, 100 S Eola Drive, Suite 100, Orlando, Florida 32801; On November 9th, 2019 in Orlando, Florida, Ongaku Overdrive is honored to bring you Warriors of Light, a Final Fantasy tribute with music, games, art, vendors, and cosplay. Details: http://ongakuoverdrive.com/warriors-of-light/
▪︎Musical acts performing their renditions of Final Fantasy and other Square music 🎵 ▪︎Multiple video game setups 🎮 ▪︎Video game tournaments with cash prizes 🕹 ▪︎Artists, vendors, and exclusive event merch ▪︎A cosplay-friendly atmosphere ▪︎Final Fantasy-themed cocktails🍹 ▪︎And more!
🎵MUSICAL LINEUP🎵: Descendants of Erdrick, Mega Ran, The Returners - VGM, Knight of the Round
Plus, a Final Fantasy edition of No Borders Art Competition!
We have more to announce with music, games, and events. Tickets go on sale at https://warriorsoflight.brownpapertickets.com
Follow us: http://www.ongakuoverdrive.com, https://www.twitch.tv/ongakuoverdrive, https://discord.gg/azD79zp
Sun 11/10
3p - 4:30p: Let Freedom Ring!; Cathedral Church of St. Luke,130 North Magnolia, Orlando, FL 32801; The Orlando Concert Band, with organ, salute the Armed Forces with Veterans Day favorites like Battle Hymn of the Republic, America the Beautiful, God Bless America, and rousing marches by John Philip Sousa.

My huge 2018 Recap + 12in12 list for 2019

Welcome to my 2018 "Game Awards" Post. This is going to be very detailed and extensive, so I hope you enjoy.
Table of Contents

1. End of Year Stats / Look Back On Last Years 12in12 List
2. Interesting Facts
3. Top 10 Best Games
4. Top 5 Worst Games
5. Yearly Awards
6. 2019 Wishlist
7. 12in12 List for 2019 + Other Goals

1. End of Year Stats / Look Back on Last Years Goals
Another year has passed, filled to the brim with great games to increase one's backlog. I personally had a solid gaming year and would like to use this opportunity to look back on what has happened and which were some of my favorite highlights. I actually did this for the last two years, so if you want to check those out, here you go.

2017
2016

Before I talk in detail about how my year was like, let's look at my 12in12 challenge results. The numbers in brackets are my results from last year.

Games purchased/acquired: 39 (129)
Total price paid: 229 € (235 €)
Avg. price paid per game: 5.87 € (1.82 €)
Games removed/abandoned: 64 (34)
Games beaten: 46 (85)
Total time spent on beaten games: 491 (unknown)
Current unfinished games total: 55

Original 12in12 List:

Amnesia: The Dark Descent - Abandoned
Assassin's Creed Origins - Abandoned
Batman Arkham Asylum - Beaten on May 23rd
Cuphead - Beaten on Jan 15th
Darksiders - Abandoned
Infamous: Second Son - Beaten on Jan 2nd
Prey - Removed
Shin Megami Tensei III: Nocturne - Marked as beaten on Feb 3rd
South Park: The Fractured But Whole - Beaten on Feb 1st
Super Mario Odyssey - Beaten on Jan 1st
The Legend of Zelda: Breath of the Wild - Marked as beaten on Sep 8th
The Wolf Among Us - Beaten on May 9th

As you can see, it's been a busy year. Not as busy as last year though, when I'd beaten twice as many games as this year. I've managed to beat 8 games on my original 12in12 list. Well, SMT III: Nocturne and Breath of the Wild are the only games this year that I've marked as beaten without actually finishing them. I’ve spent so much time with those games, which warranted marking them as beat in my opinion.
2. Interesting Facts

The first game I've finished this year was Super Mario Odyssey right around midnight on New Year's Eve
Beaten Game #25 was Far Cry 3 on April 29th
I also reached the 200 game and 225 game total mark by beating Batman: The Telltale Series on Feb 3rd and Steins;Gate on Jul 24th
I've only played and finished 3 games that came out this year. The free The Awesome Adventures of Captain Spirit, the awful single player campaign to Madden NFL 19, Longshot: Homecoming and the brilliant God of War. I'm currently also playing Red Dead Redemption 2 but didn't manage to beat it this year
The oldest game I've finished is Metal Gear Solid II: Sons of Liberty, with an initial release on Nov 13, 2001
I've beaten 34 games in the first half of the year and only 12 of those in the final 6 months. Among those 12 are 4 games that took 5 or less hours to beat
I've given out an average rating of 6.8/10. That's ok, right?
Talking of ratings, I've given out four 10/10 ratings this year. Check the Top 10 list to see which games I’m talking about
I didn't beat a single game on my Xbox One S this year, which I've bought near the end of 2017. In hindsight, I think there's no need to buy one, if you own a capable PC. Backwards compatibility is nice and the Game Pass is good value but I don't use those features, so I'll probably sell my Xbox soon
I have a total of 288 games (not including the abandoned games) in my backlog, 233 of those beaten
I've realized that visual novels aren't actually all that bad
Gaming franchises that I've developed an interest in: Steamworld Dig, Danganronpa, Ratchet & Clank, Batman Arkham, Tomb Raider, Deponia and Alien (well, only played Isolation but also watched the original movie for the first time)

3. Top 10 Best Games
And now it's time for my Top 10 games of the year. I've played some great games this year and some of them didn’t even end up making the list. Honorable mentions go out to Danganronpa: Trigger Happy Havoc, SMT: Nocturne, Dead Space, Ratchet & Clank (2016) and Tomb Raider (2013).
I’m also currently playing Red Dead Redemption II and Yakuza Kiwami. Those games would’ve made the list but I haven’t yet beaten them, so next year it is. Well, let’s get started with my Top 10 of the Year.

10.
Game: Orwell
Platform: PC
Rating: 8/10
Date Finished: March 17th
Playtime: 6 hours
Interesting Fact: If you didn’t know, George Orwell is a real person and is the author of a book called 1984, a book about a province ruled by a party called “The Police”, trying to minimize individualism as much as possible through tight government surveillance. I didn’t know that before my playthrough because I’m dumb apparently but it’s a book I’ll definitely be reading. Anyway, the game is based on that, if you haven’t figured it out by now.

Orwell manages to provoke one specific emotion in the player. Disgust. Disgust of one’s own actions. After a mysterious bombing that occurred in a public plaza, the Orwell program comes to life and it’s your job to find the culprit. To do that, you look for any info you can get, no matter how private. Phone calls, online chats, social media profiles, phone data, anything that helps you identify the subject.
Through these mediums, the game manages to build a realistic world. A world we might soon, or already, be living in. The major events are presented in a way that they managed to get under my skin. Whenever something bad happens, you hear a terrifying sound announcing the bad news. So of course, on the one hand you try to find the one who is responsible. On the other hand, you question these methods. And the mix of emotions provoked here make Orwell one of the more enjoyable games of the year to me.
I have a spare key for the game. So if you don't own it and are interested in trying it out, PM me and I can gift you the key.

9.
Game: Infamous: Second Son
Platform: Playstation 4
Rating: 8/10
Date Finished: Jan 2nd
Playtime: 15 hours
Interesting Fact: This is the only game this year that I've 100 %ed (not trophies but in game completion %).

This is probably the most typical "open world busy work" game that came out in the recent years but that's exactly why I enjoyed this. There are a bunch of side activities to do. You can do these activities a few times in each of the districts and it's basically always the same but I found the joy in the routine. The spraying "mini game" was so simple but fun and that's what I could say about the whole game probably. The story is simple but enjoyable. Delsin Rowe just is a fun character and I think the antagonist was pretty cool, too, because the game gave you enough reasons to hate the shit out of her. Not just because she's "evil" and you're just meant to fight her but because you were directly affected by her actions. She did some baaad things and due to that I enjoyed every scene where Delsin confronted her. Overall the game just has a great, fun tone and thanks to a fun main character in Delsin, I very much enjoyed this.

8.
Game: Batman: Arkham Asylum
Platform: PC
Rating: 8/10
Date Finished: May 23rd
Playtime: 8.5 hours
Interesting Fact: I started this game for the first time back in 2016. I don't understand why I waited so long to start the game up for a second time. Ever felt that way before?

This was great. Easily the best comic game I've played so far. Joker was portrayed so well in this game and delivered one of the best anti-hero performances in games ever in my opinion.
The game starts off with Batman carrying Joker to the Asylum. Joker manages to escape and within seconds, he has control over the whole Asylum. While trying to get to Joker, you have to travel through the entire Asylum, which looks extremely good by the way and fight characters such as Bane, Killer Croc, Harley Quinn, Poison Ivy and the Scarecrow, all of whom are greatly presented. The combat system should be known to everyone, it's the same as in the Shadow of MordoWar games. The upgrades aren't too great and also the game was very unforgiving in some areas but I loved it nevertheless.

7.
Game: South Park: The Fractured But Whole
Platform: PC
Rating: 8/10
Date Finished: Feb 1st
Playtime: 22 hours
Interesting Fact: This was the most anticipated game of the year for me, as the original is one of my top 5 favorite games of all time. Also, if you've never heard of it, check out "Nosulus Rift" on Youtube. Hilarious stuff.

Man was I hyped for this. Stick of Truth was not only the funniest game I ever played but also had great turnbased combat elements. It wasn't all that difficult but it was still very satisfying. Some of the special attacks of the characters were downright hilarious and definitely responsible for a few laughs.
Going into The Fractured But Whole, one of a few games in the past couple of years that I developed a lot of hype for, the expectations were high. They were met mostly, the combat was way better, thanks to time and space playing a factor now. A lot of scripted set pieces were added to the fights as well and made them even better. So from a combat perspective, I loved this. The humor was very hit and miss though, due to the fact that a lot of jokes were either reused from the first one or overused to death. Fart jokes are funny and all but if everyone treats you like you're the god of farts and reminds you of it every minute, it gets stale fast. The story wasn't as good as in the first one either, though I did like the characters and their special attacks for sure.

6.
Game: Deponia 2: Chaos on Deponia/ Deponia 3: Goodbye Deponia
Platform: PC
Rating: 8/10 - 8/10
Date Finished: Sep 1st / Oct 7th
Playtime: 26 hours total
Interesting Fact: It's not really a "fact" but rather a funny easter egg. In Deponia 3, when you try to throw money into a trash can, the game thanks you for purchasing microtransactions.

If you enjoy point and click adventures, definitely try this series out. Rufus has become one of my favorite characters in video games. Any time he interacts with someone, you know it'll end up with something stupid. That's not only due to Rufus but all the other funny and unique side characters the devs created. The story is nothing too special but the dialogue is funny at all times, which, if you haven't realized yet, is one of the best ways to make me enjoy a game. The puzzles are easy enough to be solved without a walkthrough but difficult enough to force the player to think a bit. Perfect balance, great game.

5.
Game: Steins;Gate
Platform: Playstation Vita
Rating: 9/10
Date Finished: Jul 24th
Playtime: 30 hours
Interesting Fact: In 2019, a Steins;Gate 8bit game and a Steins;Gate game with animated cutscenes called Steins;Gate Elite will be released. Also Steins;Gate: Linear Bounded Phenogram, which is a spinoff to Steins;Gate. So a good year to be a Steins;Gate fan.

I enjoyed Danganronpa and Doki Doki Literature Club but Steins;Gate is the first visual novel that I properly loved. It's beloved among VN fans and I can see why. Okabe Rintaro, the main character, is such a multi-faceted personality, that it was fascinating to see him evolve as a person throughout the 30 hours I've played this game. He starts off as a kind of annoying but funny character, having fun within his science lab with two friends, Mayuri and Daru. He accidentally develops a time machine though and what starts off as a fun discovery ends up in some of the most eventful weeks in Okabes life. The whole story felt fresh and unpredictable with enough twists throughout to always keep the pace up. If you enjoy visual novels, you have to try this out.

4.
Game: Bioshock
Platform: PC
Rating: 10/10
Date Finished: Mar 31st
Playtime: 11 hours
Interesting Fact: I've played Bioshock 2 all the way back in 2014. Great game.

I really have been missiing out on something, huh? All you've heard about this game is so true. This is such a great game. Rapture is maybe the most immersive and interesting world in gaming. Seriously, just listening to the splicers talking to themselves makes you realize how much detail there is. Incredibly atmospheric, incredibly fun and, of course, that one point in the story was so well done, I really didn't see that coming. Must play for everyone.

3.
Game: Cuphead
Platform: PC
Rating: 10/10
Date Finished: Jan 15th
Playtime: 15 hours
Interesting Fact: You might have heard it before but this game was created by THREE people. I think that is incredible, that three people can create a game this enjoyable. Makes you think about how many games of high quality we would have, if AAA devs wouldn’t mass produce games on a yearly basisLuckily there are exceptions to that. Rockstar, CPDR, Santa Monica Studios are among the publishers/development studios that prove that taking your time with a game can produce great results.

I felt like a kid while playing this. The art style and the soundtrack reminded me of all the cartoons I watched as a kid. The devs were clearly inspired by those very cartoons but the real art is in being able to make a game worth playing out of it. On that front, the devs did a hell of a job because the gameplay was just so much fun that I’m hoping that we will see Cuphead 2 sooner rather than later. I can’t think of one boss that I didn’t like. All of them were so well designed and always a fun challenge to go up against. The games’ difficulty level was perfect and the way the game is designed, whenever you die, you just restart immediately, which to me is the perfect way to do it. It just kept the tension high at all times and defeating a boss just felt so satisfying every time. I can’t recommend this enough.

2.
Game: Super Mario Odyssey
Platform: Nintendo Switch
Rating: 10/10
Date Finished: Jan 1st
Playtime: 14 hours
Interesting Fact: This was my first time playing a Super Mario game in more than 10 years. Last Super Mario game I’ve played was on the SNES.

I felt very nostalgic while playing this. Seeing the jump from the last Mario games I’ve played to Super Mario Odyssey really showed me how far games have come. The last Mario game I’ve played was Super Mario World as far as I can recall, so I was just enjoying myself here. The soundtrack was a joy to listen to and the level design was just fantastic. I didn’t really use my Switch often last year but I really should check this game out again.

1.
Game: God of War
Platform: Playstation 4
Rating: 10/10
Date Finished: Oct 27th
Playtime: 30 hours
Interesting Fact: God of War is the 3rd winner of my yearly GOTY “award”. Previous winners are South Park: The Stick of Truth in 2016 and The Witcher 3: The Wild Hunt in 2017.

I could’ve put any of the 4 games with a 10/10 rating in here actually but God of War is just that little bit more special. All these games have great characters. Great gameplay. Great level design. Incredible attention to detail. God of War puts all that together, adds a great story and probably has some of the best character development in video games. The voice acting is perfect. The game is brutal, dramatic and epic. It’s such a big game and is almost bug free. Really impressive all around, filled with a ton of memorable story moments and boss fights.
4.Top 5 Worst Games
Not all is fun of course. For every God of War, there is a 1979 Revolution: Black Friday. For every Bioshock there is a Metal Gear Survive. So let’s take a look at some of the not so pleasant experiences I had this year. I’m also counting games that I didn’t finish. (If you're reading this: I've noted that I've an Orwell key to give out to you. I have a bunch of keys actually, so if you don't own some of these and really would like trying them out, PM me.)

5.
Game: Madden NFL 19: Longshot - Homecoming
Platform: Playstation 4
Playtime: 3 hours
Interesting Fact: I told this story before, but in the Ultimate Team section of this game, there is a level system. For reaching level 50, you unlock a Legendary pack .. for which you need to spend $20. That's some reward, EA.

Yeah, this was bad. I mean, the story mode in Madden NFL 18 was solid and could've been built on, so I actually hoped to have a few enjoyable hours out of this at least. For some reason, this failed completely. The pacing in this was all kind of messed up and there were stories that I just couldn't give two shits about. Colt Cruise was trying to get into the NFL last year and now he has to take care of his half sister that he didn't know existed until that point. He's also helping out his old high school team and a lot of uninteresting stuff happens in between. At some point, the game remembers that there is a Devin Wade, Quarterback for the Dallas Cowboys/Houston Texans and the story shifts to him. Then it all culminates in Devin and Colt raising money near the end, Antonio Brown getting traded to the Texans and a deaf student playing quarterback for the high school team. If you didn't get any of that, it's probably because you don't care about this game and/or American Football. And that's fine, the story mode isn't worth knowing about anyway.

4.
Game: Outlast 2
Platform: PC
Playtime: 6 hours
Interesting Fact: Outlast and Outlast: Whistleblower are actually two games that I did end up enjoying. Two of the better horror games I’ve played so far.

Outlast 2 wasn’t the fourth worst rated game of the year for me but it has to be one of the most boring experiences. Madden NFL 19’s story mode was rated lower but at least it was merciful enough to end the story after 3 hours. For those 3 hours, the game tried to switch things up gameplay wise. The story was shit, sure, but the core gameplay of the Madden games is solid at least. Outlast 2 was atmospheric enough to look interesting on screenshots and the enemy design was scary enough as well. The game had a lot of scary things to look at but playing it was such a chore. First off, you have no idea where to go most of the time. The plan was to lead the player to a specific point through auditory clues, which didn’t work a lot of the time because you had an enemy breathing down on your neck while trying to find your destination. The enemies would also spot you from the most impossible angles. One enemy was behind a corner of a building and on top of that, I was hiding in the bush. The first fact should make it impossible to spot me; the second should make it difficult from afar. Yet, I was spotted, the enemy ran towards me and I died. Pretty bad game design overall and as I said, a chore to play.

3.
Game: Destiny 2
Platform: Playstation 4
Playtime: 1 hour
Interesting Fact: Out of all the games I've started up this year, this is one of three games that I've quit before the one hour mark, along with Anachronox and Super House of Dead Ninjas.

Destiny 2 tries to be like a Marvel movie. Epic scenes, a lot of shooting, explosions and chaos, some sci-fi stuff happening, characters saying things that don't matter at all ... that's how my only hour with this game ended up looking like. It felt extremely cringy to play this because the game tries so hard to be good that it just ends up looking fake. Boring. Ungenuine. Uninspired. It might get better? I don't really care though, the game just didn't grab me.

2
Game: Fahrenheit: Indigo Prophecy Remastered
Platform: PC
Playtime: 8 hours
Interesting Fact: This game had the longest QTE filled scene I've ever seen. It honestly took me about 5 minutes to get through. Basically, every item in the main characters apartment flew at his face and I had to dodge all of them. So dumb.

A game that started off so promisingly ended up in a disaster. Lucas Kane kills an innocent man because he became possessed. Hiding from the police, he tries to uncover the truth. While he does, he periodically suffers from hallucination. He sees giant bug-like creatures in one of those, while working, and has to run away from them. This happens via, you guessed it, a ton of QTEs. So now Lucas contacts a medium and tries to really get ahead of this thing that is haunting him. By then, the game turns into a Matrix like sci-fi fest, with Lucas being able to dodge bullets like they're flying in slow motion. The story gets absolutely ridiculous, highlighted by just about every interaction between Carla and Lucas. Carla is a detective, trying to catch Lucas. Things happen and as their stories conclude, you think to yourself, is this game kidding me? Also, Tyler is just a terrible detective.

1
Game: The Darkness II
Platform: PC
Playtime: 5 hours
Interesting Fact: The Darkness II is the third "worst game of the year". Previous "winners/losers" are Brothers: A Tale of Two Sons in 2016 and 1979 Revolution: Black Friday in 2017.

The Darkness II is actually a pretty unspectacular #1 this year. I just couldn't enjoy any part of this game at all. The main character's motivations were just so uninteresting to me. The whole Darkness part about him (two monstreous tendrils coming out of his body) was ok but to me, it just was boring as hell. The combat ended up being so shallow, I just didn't enjoy it at all. There was a part where I had two bullets left and had to fight about 10 guys. Some of them were standing in the light; the darkness doesn't work there of course, so I had to try to get past everyone with two bullets and two semi-useful tendrils, which took about 20 minutes because of all the retries I had. At the end of it, Jenny was pissing me off as well. Jackie, the main character and Jenny are two characters that I couldn't sympathize with in the slightest. So pushing myself through a combat system which I found to be frustrating and boring, while going into this game thinking "meh, this looks like a game, where I can just relax and turn my brain off", ended up in one of the most dissatisfactory gaming experiences to me. I might be one of the few thinking this way, based on the games' reception but I truly disliked playing this. The worst part might be that I forced myself to finish this.
5. Yearly Awards
Two "winners" have been announced. God of War is my game of the year and The Darkness II is the worst game of the year. There are a few more awards, good and bad, to give out, so let's crack on.

NEW - Best Boss Fight - God of War: Kratos vs Baldur

There are so many bad boss fights. Unspectacular, unoriginal, too easy, too similar to any other boss fight in the game or worst of all, boring. I think, the few properly epic boss fights in games deserve some recognition.
Super Mario Odyssey's boss fights were fun. South Park's were funny and creative. Bioshock's had big story implications. Cuphead's were very difficult but unique.
Kratos fighting Baldur was all of these combined and more. The build up is what made this great. The story implications gave the many boss fights between the two (yep, not just one) a meaning. Baldur being who he is, the fights were unrealistically brutal but in a way, in this games world, all of it made sense. Thanks to the amount of brutality, the graphical effects, the chaos that ensued, Kratos fighting Baldur will remain memorable for years to come. The final fight was just perfect. I can't talk about the story part of it but the scripted set pieces where just added at the perfect times. While the fights were great in a "movie type" perspective thanks to those set pieces, the combat was still a big part of it, so you still felt like you were the one in control over what was happening. You didn't feel like you were in a cutscene pretending to be a boss fight.
The first time Baldur is introduced even is just perfectly done. You might've seen that, it happens right at the beginning of the game. I won't say anything but that was really surprising and a great starting point for what ended up being a great game. During their fights, you could just feel (and hear) the impact of every fist that connected on Kratos' or Baldur's face. Baldur getting thrown into huge rocks looked brutal. Atreus' part in those fights were also critical imo and added another element to the whole affair. Just so many angles to these fights, they're so well thought out and were a joy to experience.
RUNNER UP: Cuphead: Sally Stageplay

NEW - Best Character - Deponia: Rufus

If your game is bad but funny, I'll still have an enjoyable time. Humor is just something that is always a plus in a game to me. If your game is good AND funny, even better. The game doesn't have to based on humor, like the South Park games but if I would name you 5 of my favorite games, they would all have some element of it. The Witcher 3, God of War even, the Persona series.
Making a funny game is difficult enough but creating a funny character is veery much so. GlaDOS of the Portal series is funny and would've probably won it for me last year. Sans in Undertale is hilarious as well. If a character is meant to be funny, like a lot, there is a high chance that the character will annoy you to death at some point. Either the jokes are too cheesy or too forced or just way too frequent. When that's the case, you jokes don't end up being funny and you start to think that the game just doesn't have more to offer.
Rufus is the main character in the Deponia series. Almost every line he says is supposed to be funny, so he really should be a pain in the ass ... and he is. Anything he touches turns into something bad (the entire Deponia 2 intro scene is based on that). He has the worst of ideas all the time, he annoys everyone he talks to, he will rob you blind, make your life miserable, put everyone in danger and will always do the opposite of what you tell him to do. At some point, that's just what you expect from Rufus. He just gets more and more creative with his ridiculousness as time passes and really is genuinely funny. Thanks to a great supporting cast of over the top characters, Rufus doesn't feel out of place in a screwed up world of Deponia. He just is the worst of them all. His biggest enemy looks exactly like him as well and as you move on in the trilogy, you uncover the whole truth to who Rufus really is.
He acts like the super hero in a movie that is playing in his mind. He doesn't understand the concept of reality and doesn't know what the term "impossible" means. Yet, he manages to solve problems, even though he is the one who created them in the first place. To do that, he creates a ton of other problems but who cares about that, right? That's the whole concept of his character and the trilogy really gets the best out of him. I've yet to play Deponia Doomsday but that's a game I can't wait to play next year.
RUNNER UP: Steamworld Dig 2: Fen

NEW - Worst Character - The Darkness II: Jackie Estacado

Jackie was just a depressing, annoying and unimpressive character. After a game sequence, you'd have a short cutscene with him in a dark room sitting on a chair, talking and trying to convey his motivations. To be honest, by now I just remember that I hated what came out of his mouth but I didn't have any specific quote, so I googled some. "Jenny, you were the only good in my life." Oh shut up. That’s such a cliché and overused statement and it doesn’t sound believable coming out of his mouth. "Have you ever loved someone who was so beautiful and pure, you couldn't bear to show them your own darkness?" What? That is so bad. I just couldn't relate to anything this guy said and quotes like these just are so bad to me. Seriously, if I had to choose which video game character I could talk to in real life, Jackie Estacado would be veeeery far down the list. Just so unrelatable to me.
RUNNER UP: Fahrenheit: Indigo Prophecy: Tyler Miles

Best Coop Game - Cuphead [Previous Winner: Portal 2]

Cuphead didn't really have any competition this year but even if it did, it wouldn't have mattered. To be fair, my brother rage quit the game after a few hours but I gotta say, this game is perfect for coop and I'd gladly replay it in coop, if my brother does decide to try this again.
RUNNER UP: /

Most Disappointing Game - The Legend of Zelda: Breath of the Wild [Previous "Winner": Red Dead Redemption]

I've never played a LoZ game before, so when I read all the reviews, I thought that this was going to be a special ride. I soon realized that I'm not someone who this game was made for. I don't dislike sandbox games but I'm not very fond of them. I did enjoy Minecraft back in the day but these days, I lack the creativity needed to make your own fun of these games. Just Cause is another series that I just can't get into for example. The thing about Breath of the Wild is that it felt empty. A big open world with a lot of empty space. A lot of bokblin (or what they are called) camps just thrown in here and there, which really didn't get me excited or anything. I didn't feel all the nostalgic elements in this game, so I guess that's another reason why all these environments, the sounds, animations and characters/enemies didn't really do anything for me. The main story could've gone somewhere but I wasn't invested enough to care for it. The weapon breaking mechanic is also just terrible. Weapons would break after 10 hits and I'd be left with nothing at some point. Maybe I should've found a ton of good weapons at the 15 hour mark, where having no weapons left made me quit the game but I really can't be asked to fix the games issues by googling where the best weapons can be found. I'm not saying the game is bad generally, it just wasn't my thing at all.
RUNNER UP: Outlast 2

Most Played Game - Red Dead Redemption 2 [Previous Winner: The Witcher 3: The Wild Hunt]

I should specify that all these awards are for single player only. On multiplayer, I easily spent hundreds of hours on FIFA with friends.
Red Dead Redemption 2 is a game I haven’t beaten yet. I still put 50+ hours into it and because I didn’t play any long RPGs this year, this wins the award. Even though the competition wasn’t very stiff, I think this speaks for the amount of content in this game. I’m only halfway through the main story. I did so many side missions, found so many interesting areas to explore, had a lot of memorable random encounters, played Poker, read newspapers and I got a lot more to uncover. So much content but so far, nothing really seemed like filler to me.
RUNNER UP: Danganronpa 2, God of War, Steins;Gate (all about 30 hours)

Best Game Released in 2018 - God of War [Previous Winner: Doki Doki Literature Club]

This is the third award for God of War today. There isn’t really much to say here, my game of the year overall is also the best of all games that came out in 2018 (of all the ones I’ve played: 3 total). Even if I would’ve played every game that came out this past year, I think there is a very good chance that the end result would’ve been the same.
RUNNER UP: The Awesome Adventures of Captain Spirit

Best Soundtrack - Cuphead [Previous Winner: Hotline Miami 2]

So many of the games I’ve played had such good soundtracks, sound effects and sound design. I really liked some of the songs in Steamworld Dig 2. The sound effects in Alien Isolation are great, especially if you’ve watched the movies. All of these things are done excellently in Cuphead. The music and the sound effects just mash perfectly with the gameplay and art design. As with the art design, all the songs are in accordance with cartoons and it’s always a joy to listen to. Also, the clicking sound that you hear every time you click the attack button is oh so satisfying. Just a fantastic job done.
RUNNER UP: Steamworld Dig 2

Most Surprising Game - Steins;Gate [Previous Winner: Wolfenstein – New Order]

As someone who has disliked VNs very much before this year, Steins;Gate and the runner up for this award, Danganronpa, have changed my mind. I’ve said a lot about Steins;Gate already but if I learnt anything, it’s that I only like VNs with a specific story. I always love a good time travel story and Danganronpa’s premise is pretty unique as well. Steins;Gate in particular has a great cast and I can 100 % recommend it to you all.
RUNNER UP: Danganronpa: Trigger Happy Havoc

NEW - Best Storytelling - God of War

This is an easy choice. God of War, to me, perfected storytelling in video games. It managed to do so without putting gameplay behind cut scenes and managed to combine both elements perfectly. The relationship between Kratos and Atreus is the main story arc here and while it can’t challenge the best movies out there, it did a hell of a job for a video game title. An epic tale that I won’t forget for some time.
RUNNER UP: Bioshock
6. 2019 Wishlist
This will probably not be of much interest to most of you. The following games are my most anticipated games to purchase next year. They don’t necessarily have to be released in 2019, it’s rather a list of games which I have my eyes on and will undoubtedly purchase next year. It’s just fun to look back on this at the end of next year and see what my goals were and compare them to the end results. So here goes.
#1 - Ef – The First Tale * Genre: Visual novel * Platform: PC * Release Date: 27.07.2012
This is a two-game series that was reviewed on here by OdaNova. His excellently written and thorough review of the games got me intrigued. Due to the games’ high price, I have been reluctant and while it was on sale, I had no disposable money to spend on this game. Thankfully that’s not going to be something that will limit me from now on, so I will definitely look out for another sale on this game. Hopefully it’s going to be as good of a read as advertised. :D If so, I’ll look out for the second part.
#2 - Wolfenstein II: The New Colossus * Genre: First-Person Shooter * Platform: PC/Playstation 4 * Release Date: 27.07.2017
The original was the winner of my “Most Surprising Game of The Year 2017” award. What really drew me to the game was the great story. I got burnt so often by single player FPS games, just because it’s always the same mission structure. Go to Area 1, get a bland objective, kill everyone and do the same thing over and over again. Wolfenstein was so much more than that and thanks to stealth elements added in, you can always switch things up between a stealthy and a run and gun approach. I’m hoping that Wolfenstein II is able to build on the narrative success of the original.
#3 - Yakuza 0 * Platform: Playstation 4 * Genre: Action-Adventure * Release Date: 24.01.2017
I’m currently playing Yakuza Kiwami and I can already tell that I’ll have a lot of fun with this franchise. Yakuza 0 is a must buy for next year.
#4 - Celeste * Genre: Platformer * Platform: Nintendo Switch * Release Date: 25.01.2018
I haven’t seen much of this game yet; all I know is that it was one of the best games of this past year and that it’s on the Switch. I haven’t used mine a lot lately, so Celeste will give me a reason to use it again. An indie game that ended up being a nominee for GOTY at the VGA should be good, right?
#5 - The Outer Worlds // Cyberpunk 2077 // The Last of Us: Part 2 * Genre: RPG // RPG // Survival Horror * Platform: PC // PC // Playstation 4 * Release Date: 2019?
These are the games that might come out in 2019. The Outer Worlds trailer specifically says 2019 but there are no specific dates for these games. I’m optimistic and if any of these do come out, they’ll most likely be day one purchases, especially Cyberpunk and The Last of Us. The Outer Worlds looks like it should be fantastic but I will wait on reviews for that one.

7. 12in12 List for 2019 + Other Goals

I was thinking about buying a PSVR to try out some new stuff but I decided against it at the end. Unfortunately there just aren’t enough games to really make this a worthy purchase. I’d love to try out Resident Evil 7, Beat Saber, Astrobot and a couple others but that’s not nearly enough and considering that the move controllers cost an extra price, I think I’ll wait a few more years for now. Enough rambling, here is my 12in12 list for 2019.

Batman Arkham City
Beyond Good & Evil
Bioshock Infinite
Deponia Doomsday
DmC: Devil May Cry
Orwell: Ignorance is Strength
Persona 5
Red Dead Redemption 2
Resident Evil 5
SOMA
The Witcher 3: Blood and Wine
Yakuza Kiwami

Yep, there it is. A lot of sequels to some of my favorite games, which I’m very excited about. I’m already a few palaces deep into Persona 5, so that’s what I’ll tackle after I beat Red Dead Redemption 2 and Yakuza Kiwami. I’ve got open world games, a JRPG, an RPG, action-adventures, a simulation game (Orwell), a point and click adventure, and survival horror games in a list of 12 games. A nice mix of genres.
Some other goals:

Beat 24 games total
Finish more games than I buy and stick to a game budget of 250€
If it’s at a reasonable price, buy a used Nintendo 3DS XL

Yep, that’s it. I hope you’ve enjoyed having a look through the more than 7000 words I’ve written here. I had a ton of fun writing it. It took me about two weeks to write this, so I’m glad to have posted it now. My 2019 will be very interesting and hopefully much better than 2018. In terms of gaming 2018 was great but I have a lot of personal goals for 2019 that I hope to achieve. My apprenticeship, which I’ve started back in 2016, will end in June. I’m planning to go to a university after I’m done, so a lot of busy work is ahead of me. I have a lot of great games to look forward to, so in terms of gaming I don’t think I’ll be disappointed.
If you have anything to add to my ramblings, I’d love to read your comments and engage in some discussions. Hope to read your yearly roundup posts as well in the coming weeks. (Y)
Happy holidays to you all and have a great 2019.

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